Good-bye

I can't be trusted with any online friendships. My insane way of taking perceived hurts out on friends has cost me another friendship. I'm obviously too sensitive about everything right now. Red says I'm abusing her and that's probably right, since I can't seem to communicate how I feel to anyone. And I keep trying to explain the hurt away or at least just explain the hurt and I'm told to get over it. So I'm wrong. How I feel is always wrong. The more I try to explain, the more I abuse. And everyone else just looks on in bewilderment.

I don't want to fight; I just want my feelings validated. And an apology. But nobody thinks I deserve one. I don't. I'm just too bitchy. I snap and snarl at everyone when I feel wounded like this. But the wound is from something I'm told never happened, despite me trying to explain what caused it.

Red thinks her view is valid because she thinks she told the truth. No apology necessary. I'm in denial about how I feel about Carbine, so it doesn't matter what I say. For me, not believing what I say is the same as calling me a liar.

I think I told the truth about her art post deletion and she's in denial about that. But I apologize and let it drop because I was in the wrong about taking it public. She says she's over the art post. I let it drop. When I bring up another problem, it's all tied back to my problem with Carbine after I said that had nothing to do with it.

I'm a liar again. But she says she never called me a liar. And that's technically true, she has never out-and-out said "you liar." But I feel as though she did.

So am I wrong for feeling hurt that who I considered a friend is calling me a liar and telling me to get over feeling hurt? Or for wanting an apology for it? If I'm wrong please tell me where.

It's not going to happen. The apology. I'm obviously delusional for even wanting one when I've been such a horrible, evil, vile, vicious creature that should be burned at the stake.

This blog was supposed to make me deal with this stuff better. Clear up my feelings, clear up my obstufication, helping me de-sensitize to all these delusional hurts that come out of nowhere and are never intended to hurt me.

I'm taking myself out of circulation until these insane fluctuating emotions stop. So no more personal rants and raves in the blog. I'll just leave it for the author exercises.

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The BookWorm