Tuesday, August 31, 2004
I can't cope with it any more. I'm crazy. The only way I can respond to anyone is to have a screaming fit that doesn't make anybody feel better, least of all me. I hate myself like this and I don't know how to stop. This blog was supposed to help, and I don't see where it has.
I don't want to be that needy bitch that drove everyone away in college. Mom can say what she wants, truth be told, they probably were lousy friends. But my behavior was worse. And It's spiraling out of control again.
The only time I don't second guess myself is when I'm lashing out in blind rage over inane shit. And it feels like every little thing is just waiting to set me off. I want to just scream at my coworkers--and they haven't done anything today! My shoulders are all tied up in knots.
I'm sick of everybody telling me that I'm not crazy when something is so very obviously wrong with me. So the only choice I have is professional help. I hope I can find somebody who is open on the weekends.
I can't even give a harsh, indepth crit anymore. Hell, I'd settle for indepth. My brain won't process it. I just keep coming up with "I like it, I like it." Pretty soon I won't be able to write either.
Monday, August 30, 2004
What's so hard about answering a stupid email with an "oops I'm sorry." Am I out of line for thinking that my posts were safe? Am I out of line for thinking if you're going to go through a do a massive delete, you should at least ANNOUNCE that you're going to do that and give people an opportunity to save posts. I had to spend precious minutes Sunday reconstructing the posts, minutes I could have been using to edit something. And they're still minssing what everyone had said about them. Lots of people gave thoughtful insights into why Charley's character is important to them and should be in the new series. That's all gone now.
But no answer so I guess I'm just a fucked up idiot. Just like I'm a fucked up idiot about everything else. Excuse me for actually getting some good news and sharing it with the fandom. But it's not an anal poll so I guess it's not worth saving.
But silence. And the longer I have silence, the more likely I'm going to blow up at some poor innocent at Red Planet. Solemn vow to close to the thread before having a screaming fit on it.
Time to work now that I've wasted 30 minutes.
Chad and I, well I think we worked that out. He means well, but has a real lack of communication problem.
Lunch is ate, now I have to use the rest of this time calling on house stuff. *Sigh* It's going to be December before anything happens and I need the money now.
Saturday, August 28, 2004
I). Triage Technique: Judging characters
C). Minor characters
D). Credible conflict between protagonist and antagonist
Working on "Underneath the Colored Lights."
My protagonist is Cynthia Towers, a woman in her late 20s or early 30s. She has worked as a private investigator before, but in the present of the story has become disillusioned with the profession and is working as a Sonic carhop and taking a Dectective Literature class at Northwestern. (From my research after I wrote the story, this drifting in and out of the profession is pretty frequent.) She also worked as a cop in the K9 division, and they let her keep her dog partner after she left. It's a female German Shepard named Zenith. (Yes, I'm tweaking names, though that's a through back to where I worked Zy from. Ah memories.)
I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be asking myself specific things about the protagonist and antagonist, but I can't remember what they are. ARGH! Hate that.
I know I need another scene or maybe an extended scene where it becomes a lot less obvious on Stan's status. Is he a killer or no? Credible red herrings and all that. I'll work on that now.
Okay: now I have the book Stein on Writing.
I already added a verbal sparing match between Nolan and Stan. We'll have to see once other changes are made, how well that works.
I A). Specific questions on the protagonist
Do you find yourself thinking about the main characters in situations that are not in your book?
Hmm, do plots for other stories count? I've got this idea for Cynthia to work in a call center and get a strange phone call and start an investigation off of that, preventing a murder from that.
What is it about your character that you like especially? Does that happen to be also a trait of yours?
Her sarcasm and her empathy. I think I might need to play up her empathy more, though in this story she's trying to keep it shut away because it has brought her nothing but pain. She's faster with the sarcasm than I am. My wit usually catches up with me when I'm in the car fuming over how an encounter went. Her drive to be exactly like her fictional heroes.
:S Okay I might need to giver her something that is totally different from me.
If you were about to take your only vacation of the year, how would you feel if your character were going along? You would probably see your character at mealtime and in between, day in and day out for a week or two. Honestly now, would you look forward to that?
I think I would enjoy it. Cynthia can be a lot of fun to talk mysteries with. Too bad none of my stories seem to show her fun side.
How well do you understand your character? One way to find out is to imagine that you have just won a lottery jackpot of two million dollars. Your character doesn't know you've been playing the Lotto, but he is likely to hear about it on the news. People hae mixed feelings about the sudden success of friends. Would it better for you to tell your character the news yourself? How is your character likely to take the news about your new wealth? Would any of his reactions be useful in making him more interesting?
Whoa, it would probably best to tell her in person, but boy would it make her bitter. She's never had that kind of luck or success. She would hate herself for feeling bitter because of her empathy and generally liking people, but it would take a while to get over that anger over perceived unfairness.
Does the protagonist change in the course of your novel?
Well, it's not a novel. But she does realize she has a talent for detecting, and a need to help people. So she better get herself licensed so it's not illeagal.
I B). Specific questions for the antagonist
The antagonist is Nolan Wiggins, somewhere between 18 and 20 year-old college student. He tortured animals as a kid too, not that it comes up in the story.
Is your antagonist morally bad, not just badly behaved? Does your antagonist enjoy doing wrong to people? Is your character not just mischievous but malicious? What I'm getting at is the degree of villainy. Is your character just badly behaved or a truly evil person?
I think serial killers are truly Evil, in the sense of being an opposing force to good and decency. They don't even see their victims as human, the same that they are. Nolan takes it one step further, like Leon and Leopold, it's a game for him. Who he targets to kill, how he twists the police to hunting Cynthia, using her story.
Does your villain hae something that charms or entices people? If the villain isn't intriguing, interesting, lifelike, and believable, he may not be a worthy villain. No villain can attract victims unless he has charm charisma, position, or wealth.
Hmm, might need to play up his charm. I have one scene where he comforts Kate, maybe I should expand that. Also should add in some more Kate and Nolan interaction after he forces Stan out of the room. Right now it sounds like Nolan is a snot-nosed punk to me, when I want readers to see Stan violently angry and consider him a potential killer. But I can't seem to get any feedback on it and I don't have it with me to post the section at P2P.
This is probably not a good day for me to be working on this, but since I was abandoned, I don't have much of a choice.
If you're having difficulty making your villain charming or interesting, try seeing him through the eyes of someone who loves him.. Or at least cares a lot about him.
I think I can make him charming, it's just a matter of where to put it. It's a short sory after all. I know a lot of crap is going to have to go--especially description-wise. That will help with word count, but right now I'm concentating on characters.
I C). Specific questions about minor characters
Minor characters are often not minor if the credibility of a scene depends on believing their verisimilitude (lifelikeness). Just one special characteristic can make a different. And easy way to help characterize minor players is to use one of the senses you may have neglected.
That makes sense, frighteningly enough. Minor characters that I'm worried about: Kate, Stan, Floyd, Ballard. The professor needs a name since she has dialogue.
I D). Credible Conflict
Stories from time immemorial have consisted of people overcoming obstacles against high odds and strong adversaries.
Muliple murders, reluctant detective, chase through the Christmas Festival crowds. I'd love to film this story. :)
So I need to find out if my red herring conversation works, tweak the minor characters a tad (add more with taste, touch, smell, and sound. Sight is covered.)
This is a fun technique. I'm going to like writing the tutorials and using it on the Hyrueliana. If I had the book with me right this second, I'd get started on the second part.
I don't have any other time, all we have is the weekends. And he doesn't want to spend time with me.
Friday, August 27, 2004
The white car hadn't been hit and its passengers were okay. I called 911 and the other people who stopped went to help the people in the minivan. From what I gathered, the minivan tried to shove the white car out off the road twice, and he was swerving like crazy. Probably falling asleep at the wheel. They had pulled two people out of the minivan, and the ambulance left with one before I gave my statement and left.
I hope the ride home is less exciting.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Have to remember to buy cat food today. Completely out. *Sigh*
The Blue Man is moving pretty well. Murdock and Cyndia are finally talking. Now I just have to get them into the Archie and Nero relationship and then to something more.
Going to start on editing "Underneath the Colored Lights" with the triage technique. After the mail is done.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
The auto parts guy was nice enough to explain the belts on my tire were coming apart and pointed me to a garage that put my spare on. Then I had to go buy tires. Then off to a different garage to get tires aligned and oil changed. However did get everything done for under $300, which my mother's friends assured me is really good. But it was after noon by the time I was finished, no going into work. :p
So I found the kitchen table. WOOT! Called the surveyors and they said it'll be 4 weeks before getting to me. Called my morgage people and told them to find a faster surveyor. Called for homeowner's insurance and finally managed to get one company to actually quote me. But by that time it was 4:30 and I figured the rest of the numbers I pegged will have closed their offices. So calling tomorrow.
I also got "Father's Love" into the mail, finally. Sans cover letter, and still feeling trepidation over that.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
*Bangs head on desk*
I'm also having no luck with contacting the surveyors, trying to wait till I get home to call about homeowners insurance, and I don't want to work on anymore fraud assessments. Oh well almost done with that.
Why do I keep doing it? Why can't I just go through life just reacting and getting over the rest of it?
Monday, August 23, 2004
Work stress: paying job versus writing. Writing seems to be under control, for now. "Father's Love" is going out. "The Rose" will be on it's way soon. Paying job, I might get some flack from this sick day, who the hell knows.
Housework stress: I'm finally down to just the stuff on the kitchen table. And most of that is papers that I have to figure out where to put. I can probably figure that out in one night if I would just stick with it.
Other project stress: Alt. BM update is almost finished. Catching up on giving out crits, *whimper* Hopefully lunch Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are free.
Family stress: Our access to Savannah has been pretty much cut off. Debates ongoing as to what the options are, and not talking about her healthcare either. I think it would be better for her mental health, but I haven't witnessed anything.
So that lists all points of stress except one. I don't know if I pissed someone off due to an overreaction on my part partly due to culmination of the above stress points, wore out on a Friday, and reading that I was being told not to bother with something that I think is worth a bother and when I thought I was doing something nice for it. *Sigh* I don't know.
I'm going to work on some housework and stay away from the computer. I didn't move from it except to go to the bathroom working on the Alt. BM update from3 pm ish to 8:30ish. That ontop of the time I had spent that morning at the computer. Need a better chair. Also need to make sure I don't do marathon computer sessions while I'm alone in the house.
But I did get a nice long visit with Jazzie :D
Sunday, August 22, 2004
26 finished with a word count all under 9260 words.
3 works that I can't count because I have lost both hard copies and computer copies.
6 works are in progress. Unfortunately, anything I could have over 60,000 words is in this category. :p
Those 26 works add up to 94,069 words. Now that would be a damn impressive novel.
And no, none of these number reflect the fanfiction works I've written, which has the two longest projects I have managed to complete to date.
I guess it isn't a bad output for 16 years of work. And true, the vast majority of it is practice junk. And while doing all these tweaks I refound the Ageism column, which counts as a sale (it wasn't self published).
Looks like the first juvenile magazine I'm sending "Father's Love" to is Cricket. 12 week wait though. Ouch. I'd rather try Just Weird Enough but it's website refuses to come up. I sent email, but I haven't gotten a response. I'll be sure to listen pertinant info for the rest of you guys.
But I got to sleep late today. Yes, 7:30 am is sleeping late for me. I have a list a mile long of stuff to work on but I can do just about all of it without getting dressed. Wa-hoo! Yes, I'm in lazy bum mode and proud of it.
Let's see where to start is always the fun question.
LOL Lith went Ash! ROTFL. At least she didn't have to cut off her hand to get the chainsaw.
Well let's analyize the list.
1) Mail Father's Love
2) TMNT at FF.net
3) Alt BM Update
4) The Rose
6) Pay bills
7) Mail the Rose
8) Return books to the Library
9) Find stuff for quoates
10) Putting up more exercises
11) Tutorial updates
12) Put word counts into original_progress sheets
13) Figure out the pip system for Forward Motion
Well, good thing I have all day.
Friday, August 20, 2004
I have "Dreams of the Dead" and "Underneath the Colored Lights" with me to work on. I think I'm going to work on "Lights," I already started some stuff on it.
1. I need to keep better track of people. I finally reached Billy's work voicemail and was able to leave a message. My email bounced back and the home phone number I had is no longer working. I don't know if my info is that outdated, or if it's damage from Hurrican Charley. I just want to know that they made it through okay.
2. I don't know what Red wants from the brainstorming group. I haven't hit any snags lately. Well, I could potentially hit snags with the editing, which is why I think I've been avoiding it. Looks like I got a free hour before the mail gets here; I'm going to tackle one of the stories.
3. I might as well set fire to my kitchen table to clean it all off. Unfortunately that would cause extensive damage to the house and would destroy bills I haven't paid yet and need to. But it would all be clllleeeeaaaan.
4. I need a day off once a week just to deal with the writing portion of my life. I've declared Sunday to be that day this week. I don't even plan on getting dressed.
5. Some projects I come up with are just plain stupid. Like typing the writing exercises. HELLO! You've got PaperPort's OCR, which is way more accurate than the one that came with Epson scanner. Stop the extra typing already.
6. I need to change the due date on the tutorials newsletter. Having everything due the same week of the month ain't working. I'm thinking last day of the month, or maybe the 28th since every month has a 28th.
7. I want a vacation.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Ugh, I don't feel good and want to go home. I don't know what happened cause I got plenty of sleep. I hope I didn't catch a summer cold that's been going around.
And I want this portable dishwasher. And I'm going to get it after the house stuff settled.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Found steno pad. Ready for meeting. The all-day meeting. *Twitch*
Would rather work on "Blue Man." Need to clean off my desk at home. Everything is upside-down, and I haven't even started on the Alt. BM update. It's probably going to be late just given how my life is right now. Course, I could help Chad stuff envelopes and work on it Friday night. Maybe.
If I didn't have to go to paying job, I'd have everything done.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
So I'm going to Yorkshire, England to find out where we come from. I'll keep you updated when I actually get an itinerary.
Monday, August 16, 2004
I was going to work on "The Blue Man on the Porch," but have discovered that I left that folder at home. Since I don't trust my little car notebook to hold it indefinately, you get a sneak peek.
"Are you injured?" The younger officer with sympathetic blue eyes asked.
"No, I'm fine."
"Officer H is going to check the rest of the house. Show me where you saw the intruder."
Cyndia lead him into the living room while his partner headed down the hall. "I was reading on the couch. I got up and saw him at the front door. Grabbed empty shotgun and he was gone. Backed away and called 911, Officer?"
"Peterson. Did you notice if he was bleeding?"
"No, but I only saw waist up. He was blue and had a butcher knife. You found blood out there?"
Officer Peterson frowned. "What do you mean he was blue?"
"His face was blue."
"No, his skin was blue." Cyndia pressed against the door window trying to see the blood they had seen.
The followed by another day of planting and floor boards and cleaning. At least I didn't have to nail, though maybe pounding out my frustrations would have been healthier. But the furniture covered in the most goose shit is now clean.
Frustrations, *sigh*, I actually cried. As we were driving back from lunch, Chad let slip that he had been talking to the owners about the dias plans on the joust field. I've been trying to get a damn artist to draw up 2 plans to present them for getting close to a year now with no luck. I've tried talking about my plans--which I am well aware have less than a snowball's chance in Hell--and just get a non-committal, or the "no money" excuse. I know my plans will never get approved because all they want is a stupid cookie-cutter RenFaire, but at least give me a chance to present them decently. But again what I want, what I see, what I've been working on for the past FOUR YEARS doesn't fucking matter. Goddess I was furious.
Chad to his credit was just trying to light a fire under their butts, because A) I've been bitching about it for so long and B) the live-action joust is the show that they continously push on all the advertising and the field looks like shit and C) the Royal Court has ask nicely for a decent place to sit out there. He just wanted to do something nice and surprise me, which just pissed me off even further. My own fucking boyfriend out to realize who's damn input is necessary. I don't expect Alvin and Rick to listen--I'm not that dense after 4 years and as Amy puts it, we lack the necessary equipment to get listened to by Alvin at least.
I had to stalk off, and go to front gate and find my gardening tools. Everything that has happened decently out at that joust field has happened because I got people together and MADE it happen. I did fuck up the fence last year, but their repair job made it look even worse. We built the new stables last year; had that been left to Alvin and Mike and Rick, the knights would have had no where to house the horses and no time to build anything before the show started. They made the dias for second year and the piss-ant duke that starts off A Knight's Tale has a better fucking dias. They put up a hide away fence (to hide the behind the scenes areas of the site) for third year, and forgot to put a gate in it. After they drive the backhoe through the fence during the off-season, they put a gate in LIKE I HAD TOLD THEM TO FROM THE START. I asked for sunshade for the patrons and they did put that up. And it fell down second week. The benches that my construction crew got started on and were told to stop because they were wasting wood, are they only ones that haven't fell apart yet. Oh and lets not forget leaving all the trash at the field for all the patrons to see (the crew building the Inn includes Chad finally helped me burn that off), leaving all the boards for the benches out all six weeks of the show and we're finally salvaging what is good in the stacks now but they're mostly ruined.
I got back from Front Gate and Chad was trying to apologize and I cried. I know my fucking pirate ship arena won't go, but I hate feeling like I'm being sidestepped especially by someone who's supposed to have my emotional well being in mind. The owners are never on hand for that field. They might see 5 minutes of a show before fleeing. I know what works, and I'm constantly shunted aside. And I can't get a crew together to work on any more of it and I can't blame them. Construction work for no pay and no appreciation is no fun.
I had already said I was quitting after this year, and it is cemented in now. And nobody is going to take that joust field neighborhood. And I will not take it back until my demands are met. A new fucking dias and fence, backstage area for my people, start on a permanent outdoor speaker system, the stables completed, the concession stand (old stables) improved, drainage issues dealt with, landscaping started, and the hideaway fence repaired and improved. Fucking stuff they should be doing now.
Friday, August 13, 2004
Thursday, August 12, 2004
I finished "The Rose" edit and posted it to the Forward Motion forum. Now I just have to find time to crit other people's stories. I think I need to tweak more learning how to manage posts. A tip I saw somewhere is to put links to your story in your signature. Well, just putting in the URL makes it a link, but I'd rather use the title. Does that even work? Can I put it in my signature even thought HTML tags aren't allowed?
Picked out four stories to crit initially, but my mind is buzzing with my Zy's short story idea. I'm probably going to work on that today. *Sigh* It does connect with the novel, but none of the other editing work is really grabbing me. I'll try to read during lunch.
'Sides, I like the opening scene. "The blue man with the butcher knife locked eyes with her."
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Hopefully, I actually get to work on "The Rose" today. I think we're all caught up on lawsuits. :p
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Random tidbit for today. Now I have to consider "The Rose." How long would a nose keep bleeding after strangulation/hanging has started?
Monday, August 09, 2004
Sodium, chorloride, and potassium are your electrolytes. Adding salt is to the sports drinks is the easiest way to replenish them since salt is the first two ingrediants. And the first thing you lose: tears are salty, sweat is salty.
I found a article on nursing and taking care of severe dehydration. One of the signs of dehydration is dark smudges under the eyes. And here I thought that was lack of sleep. I already know I don't get enough sleep. But after my slight rehydration regime yesterday afternoon, my smudges aren't as dark today. So I think my intial prognosis was correct: electrolytes and fluid levels were just at functional. Any extra stress--like working outside--would put me down. Just drinking water would just further dilute the electrolytes I had left and not make me feel better. But I would be peeing.
So today I think I'm ready to switch to ordinary water. Already had two glasses, bout to go for a third.
Sunday, August 08, 2004
I figured I have found the problem. Maybe I've been functioning on barely there electrolytes and essential salts. I get the levels up to where I can function, but they's still low which is why I fall out so easily now.
Problem is I've come home and been under the AC. I drank the first 2 quarts out at Faire site while we were moving plants around. I mixed up another 2 quarts while at home and have drank about a fourth of it. It's still not salty. I'm peeing, the liquid is going through me, but I got tired of drinking.
Guess it's time to diving into health research.
Friday, August 06, 2004
I don't understand.
I finally got a hold of my mortgage people. Getting it moving, getting it moving.
I hope I didn't say anything stupid to Red. I don't remember saying anything stupid.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
They did at least offer comments. "Well written, but brings nothing new to the very old theme of human and alien misunderstandings." That's the gist I can remember.
I'm more upset over stupid idiot me deleting the damn email. Everyone's going to say it cause I hate getting rejected.
Time to move to the juvenile market. I want to send it to at least 5 places before filing it away. I'll find one once I stop beating myself over the stupid deletion.
Goddamned FATE, we need some fucking good news over here!
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
I probably used too many images and lines from "Rock & Ride" to qualify as completely original. But it's just a fanfic project, and a test to see if I could do it. Plus if it ain't broke, don't fix it, as Modo's mama would say.
Ever notice how Tuesday is the weirdest day of the week? For example, the prison guard over the inmates that do the cleaning--Drake--is our office's adopted stray. Problem is he's feeling put out because we're keeping one of the summer high school student workers into the school year. He was put out before that because we got two and one had to sit in the empty cubicle he was using.
So the student worker who isn't stay, Friday is his last day. We--the office--was having a meeting to figure what to do for his last day. Drake started sneering he didn't need no party, we were spoiling him rotten, putting him out for a lousy student worker.
Me: "What out? You said that when they got here and you ain't left yet."
He started spluttering about that while the rest of the table laughed. I kept going.
Me: "Wait a minute. Aren't you the one who went on and on how you wasn't going to be up here with us when we got to the new building 'cause they built you your own office? We still haven't gotten rid of you!"
Then it was really on. The rest of the office laughing, and polled, yeap Drake had said that. He spluttered more, and how he was going to watch me like a hawk for the rest of the week, just waiting for me to mess up and then he was getting my seat.
Me: "You only got today. I'm out for the next two days. And you ain't here on Fridays!"
Nobody could stop laughing at that point.
Scarlett: "When she let's the cat out. Watch out!"
Monday, August 02, 2004
Didn't get to finish the kitchen, so I'll probably be working on that when I get home tonight. Nice to have the stuff left to sort left to one room. I still have about 3 boxes in the office, but most of it is stuff to go through and scan.
I'm in Act 3 of the script now. I don't know if I planned my commercials right, they don't seem to be very life-threatening situations. Okay Act 2 not too bad, Charley's capture, Act 3 starts with the fight to get the Thunderpipe back. Typing all this is what's going to suck. I don't think I have my pages set up right and it feels like it's going over.
Looks like one of these nights I'll be downloading some free screenwriting add-ins or something. Nothing fancy, just give me a template.