Saturday, June 30, 2007

Homework meltdown

Okay, deep breath. I screwed up. I did not have the time to indulge in a mental breakdown. I do not have the time an luxury to ignore the homework on weekdays.

I'm severely backlogged now, and it will probably effect my grade. And I deserve it because I knew I could procrastinate with this stuff. So I have to figure out how to crank this stuff out and pronto.

Well, that probably just solved my lapse in the 100 Words goal.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Weekend plans

Catch up on homework for online class.
Catch up on chores.
Buy flea medicine for Mustard.
Take Dad to belated Father's Day movie.
Finish Alt. BM Site updates.
Finish scanning the box on my desk. The stack is probably 3-inches high, but Reader's Digest articles take up a lot of scanning for something that small. (Okay, now that sounded completely random.)
Write in study carrel.
Go swimming.

I'm thinking of combining the last two. Swimming as a reward for output. They are limited to Sunday. Library is open 2pm to 10pm and pool is open 4pm to 9:30pm. So I should be able to overlap the two and not be up so late.

Feel numb and drained. Haven't decided if it's in a good way or bad way yet. It's not depression because otherwise I would feel like doing anything, and feel confident that I will get something off my list this weekend. Even if it's nothing but homework and the movie. LOL

Part of it is that now I have a new observation (not originating from me this time) to go along with my writing now. I have no desire to copy my personal family dynamics in fiction. I don't want to be published and have the Extendeds try to claim any character as themselves. And maybe it would be catheric to get it all out. "It would hurt like hell. What does it matter if it makes a good book?" But it wars with me. I don't want pain, and my raising has been too much of turn the other cheek. Ignore the problems and avoid the people as much as possible. To knowingly go to the past to recreate it on paper; am I giving it more power or less? That's different than mining experience and feelings.

Besides, ultimately, in the grand scheme of obsteclues people have overcome, it's only family drama to me because it's mine. I was never beaten almost to death, never sexual abused, and my parents did a good job shielding us from the worse of their families when we were vulnerable. Now that I am an adult, most of the time it feels like "my life is separate, they have a connection, but they have no power over me." If I can manage that position for 3 weeks out of the month, am I healthy? (The fourth week has other issues, which gives lives to all the issues, and I never know what my position is then.)

And I have used family dynamics that I want to share. I mined my sister's and mine sibling jealousy and competiveness with my great-grandmother talking sense into us, but nobody wants to publish a one-act play.

:P I was going to talk about the second observation, right? All my heroines are distant and sarcastic and shove their loved ones away.

Zy and Cynthia, and to a certain extent, Tala were all born/shaped during a time when that was my mode of defense. There is no cutting it from them now; it is part of who they are.

Storm-blown Kate: I don't see it. But that universe needs a lot more world and character building, which is why it's set aside for now.

Allie: is a tough nut. She has the inner banshee, but she can unplug it (which is something I have never been able to do with my own). She doesn't unleash it on Mike. She never turns the rage at Mike. Okay, how the hell does a fictional baby figure out how to do what the creator mommy can't?

Peggy and Peg in Strix: again I don't see the sarcasm or the pushing away. But they are still very nebulous.

Okay I think that's currently everyone in my head. I don't know what to do with it. Though I think I should stop making everyone orphans. Any way I have to get to the vet's before they close.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Good news

I got a study carrel! I think I can use it best Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights according to the Library's open hours.

I'm typing the post about the family and my perfectionism problem tomorrow. It's a dosy and I'm not finished with it yet.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

My epiphanies are never lightening bolts

I wish they were. You see the problem with "well duh" epiphanies is that I forget them and fall back into the habits that led to needing an epiphany in the first place.

For example, my first epiphany for today: my blog is my writing practice. I'm rereading Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, and feeling a little defeated that I can't manage the simple writing practice everyday in a notebook. I'm getting dressed and a quiet voice says "You write your blog just about every day."

Which is true, even when I don't get to type them, I'm writing almost everyday. It's not the free form craziness that Goldberg recommends and that's probably why I had trouble making the connection.

Now pushing myself from complacency with writing practice to diving into writing with a purpose is a different problem.

Second epiphany: I don't write family dynamics. As I was pondering the status of epiphanies that led to this post, what I wrote yesterday came to mind. I was exploring how family influnced my perfectionism streak (I will be typing it up; it had good points in it) when I realized it was reflected in my fiction. My protagonists are orphans or estranged from blood kin. If they have a family, it is one they created with a bond beyond mere genetics. If there is blood kin of non-estranged type, it's siblings. I realized the only exception to this was in the Legend of Zelda fanfics. There's probably more to mine here, but I feel it goes better with the other post.

Third epiphany: My parents were not abusive, so where did my sister and I get our shared self-esteem issues? I guess the epiphany is more that we share them. The third kid got all the social abilities that skipped me and the middle kid, and I have never noticed her have these problems. But Kai feels she was an ugly baby who eventually got better and since puberty I changed from an adorable child to a hideous fat blob with boobs. I felt that was in high school; I feel that way now.

I think a lot of it stems from high school. Sure I had boobs but I also had brains and glasses, and the cute boys I crushed on dated the stick-thin cheerleaders with none of the above (though I am doing them a disservice--most of them were in the top ten percent of our class). Dating-wise things didn't get better in college.

Chad puts up with a lot of shit from me over these issues. Because it cuts me hard when he calls me "cute." With size D knockers since the onset of puberty, I deserve to be stunning, sultry, femme fatale, Jessica Rabbit with the slit to the clevage. But my face, my stature, and my personality only add up to cute. How the hell do you equate cute with sexy?

Fourth epiphany: My gender has been assaulted. This particular epiphany is about a month old. I was reading through a feminist blog entry and all the comments it generated thinking how lucky I had been to have never experienced any of that harrassment. Then a memory clicked into place and I realized I had been. Just once, groped and made to feel like a puny small thing until I kicked out. Literally, I was grabbed up by a guy twice my size and where do you think his arms stopped? I didn't do any permanent damage and he put me down real quick and the other boys didn't grab me. And I had always put a size ratio to it. I wasn't going to let some guy twice my size toss me around. The gender fears never entered my head, even though I spent the rest of the party in view of the adults.

I seem to spend a lot of my memories like that, thinking one thing and never realizing the bigger picture. I always thought my great-grandfather had a "shaking disease"--that must have been how it was first described to me and it is what I observed. Mom tells me last week he had Parkinson's and then acted like I should have known all along.

Fifth epiphany: My ego (Freud not Vinnie) needs to get out of the way. The source of my perfectionism streak that blocks me to protect me and all the other armor quirks I have. I'm so deeply flawed but it can't let any of that out.

Yeah, I got to get through, over, around, or under that.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Monday, June 25, 2007

In other news

The reason why I was distracted and not really available this weekend:

Atticus is not 1 until July 26, but since his parents had vacation now, and came this way, we celebrated.

The party went pretty well, and the Extendeds didn't give Chris a hard time. (Oh, I might start always referring to them that way--the Extendeds.) Ender was when poor Atticus who knew something was up and didn't take a nap had all his attention on the cake and everyone in the room said "Atticus look up!" for the picture. Tears insued. I blame his mother *wink.* She's always telling him "No Atticus, not off the floor, No Atticus." He approached the whole cake thing expecting to be told "no." You could see it all over his face.

So between all that, I worked on the office. Mostly rearranging, so the projects aren't looming over me. I got three classes papers all scanned in and made headway in the torn-out magazine articles. So even though I didn't finish the box I started on, I made visible progress.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Weight Loss Week 2

I decided to make Mondays the weigh-in day. Why not? It already sucks, so adding weight gain can't make it worse and weight loss can only make it better. That's my theory; it will probably not work that way in practice. And Sunday made a week of being on the prescriptions.

Week 1 saw me start with 205 pounds according to the home scale.

Week 2: 199 pounds

It's hard to get worked up about 6 pounds. It could all be water weight since I just had my period last week. I need to take my measurements and keep track that way as well, but I'm procrastinating on it. I know it's better way to keep track, especially while working out. My only reason for procrastination is because I got so disgusted with the lack of progress the last time I measured.

Stupid reason to be stupid. I couldn't lose the weight with exercise and diet alone, so I should measure now. But it will have to be next week; I had not time to measure this morning while getting dressed.

I shouldn't be too hard on myself for only 6 pounds. A) Women don't lose weight fast. B) I didn't do portion control this weekend with the party. C) My exercise regime is non-existent.

If traffic cooperates, I can make it to the gym for a mile walk before yoga class. I still haven't made it to the pool for my one day of swimming. Don't know if this week will be any different.

The extra caffeine didn't cause any side effects Saturday and Sunday, even though I was drinking it like water. I did have a dizzy spell this morning, but I had taken a muscle relaxer last night. I hadn't taken any last week and the dizzy spell didn't last long.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Got One Thing Accomplished Today

The update to the BookWorm's Library is done.

Here's to the next week going better than the last.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Saturday, June 23, 2007

You are the Dash

You scored 30% Sociability and 47% Sophistication!

There's no denying that you have a certain flair. You don't mind being around others, especially your little brother, the hyphen, but you rarely emerge except when needed. You respond well to those who know how to treat you, but have only contempt for those who don't--you tend to embarass them every chance you get. Your only enemy is the colon--he will sometimes try to move in on your turf.

Only I couldn't find the code to post it all pretty. That's weird.
Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

It was a bad week

Yeap, I'm admitting. A totally bad week, and while I do regret my outburst, a chunk of my discontent needed to be aired. Now to get the boyfriend in one location long enough to discuss it.

While admitting things, I totally flopped on doing any real work, could only manage enough oomph to get to the paying job and discovered that Yoga takes away my homicidal rage.

That's the part of all this that frightens me. I don't consider myself a violent person; if I fight it's because I have to. But to have fantasies of knocking someone's teeth down their throat when they have done nothing to deserve that... sometimes I fear I'm going to go on a postal rampage. And this would be the cue for the guilt-ladden part of the irrational phase.

But I'm not going to give into to it. I fucked up, but it's not the end of the world and I'm not going to Hell because of it. The boyfriend is still talking to me--even though the methods of communication are strained due to circumstances out of our control. I didn't kill anyone. The worst thing to happen is I didn't work on anything and my schedule is now more behind. What else is new, I'm always behind.

What is more disturbing is my lack of focus. What has been bothering me in a way I could not define--suffering from the lack of focus--and Mez put her finger on it and hit me with a sledgehammer. It doesn't really matter when it started, though I could probably trace back the evolution from mentions in my blog posts. I have to fix it now.

One of Mez's good idea is to claim another office space. My campus library offers study carrels, but I didn't know you had to apply each semester. We're going into the third week of the summer semester; they might not have any left. Which will mean a new plan, but I will worry about that after I'm denied. The Tangipahoa Parish library doesn't offer any private space, but I don't know what the new Springfield/Albany branch of the Livingston Parish library offers. If all else fails, find a coffee shop. But I need a place where I can set up one thing and only one thing and work on it.

Second observation actually came from me. I practice Feng Shui in my home (I probably need to export it to my paying job cubicle too, but that's another project) and a big warning sign is clutter. Clutter stiffles chi (the vital energy of the universe that connects all things both inanimate and animate), can and create sha (negative energy). Since the outer environment influences the body and mind, it can create or reflect illness in the body and unhealthy attitudes in the mind.

Go ahead and say hogwash and get it out of the way. But if you replace chi and sha with psycho-babble, what do you get?

Now for the evidence: inside my home office.

The north wall, not too bad. Books and binders are shelved. Files in the file drawers are labeled and not crowded to the point of exploding out.

The west wall more specifically, the front of the computer. The tape player for the stalled tape transfer project. Papers and reference books for the website update projects.

Corner of the desk as we move to the south wall. You can see more of the papers for the website updating projects.

The south wall view. The stacks and box of tapes for the tape transfering project. Mail that I haven't dealt with. More papers and a binder on the website updating projects.

My way out on the south side. Stacks of books that need to be entered and shelved. More notes and papers pulled out for some project I must still be working on otherwise I would have put them back. The stack of plastic boxes is papers to file or scan project.

The east wall. The table that should be free for me to lay stuff out on is covered with papers and my meal plan binder.

End of the circle. I'm not sure where the bag should go, but it doesn't belong here.

Two pics from the outside of the desk. Most of this stuff is for the scanning project.

I surround myself with multiple projects and then wonder why I can't commit to working on just one. For the body connection, the office is in the center of my house. If you overlay a stick figure with it's head in the main doorway, the office area corresponds with my torso. And all of my fat that I need to lose is on my torso.

Saturday is supposed to be my day off, and I will have to spend time with Atticus and the rest of the family. At the same time, I need to make massive headway and banish the clutter. So I'm going to concentrate on scanning today and only scanning to decrease the piles.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Not available tonight

I didn't sleep good, the pills are making me wonky, and I'm in no condition to try to work.

Food, LotR film appendixes, and early bed time.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Monday, June 18, 2007

Current State of Health

Weight: 205
Measurements: I'll deal with later.

Saturday: Start jotting down blog notes while waiting to do my baseline bloodwork this morning. Once that's done, I can start taking my prescriptions. The problem is offically Metabolic Syndrome, of which PCOS is a symptom of. Not a full-blown diabetic yet, but at the rate I keep gaining weight, I will be in a decade or less. So I get to take metformin to counter the high sugar levels in my blood and phentermine to suppress my appetite. And then I get to create a sensible diet out of all the diet paperwork I was given.

No wonder I've been chugging the caffeine. I hate needles and I hate that my body has betrayed me.

Feeling better now that I'm eating breakfast. I mentally understand that genetics played me a crappy hand. But if I could go back to my stupid 1995, 18-year-old self who thought her size 4, 120 pounds body was so fat and ugly, and bitch slap me, I would. "This is your future! 200 pounds in 5 years! Switch to diet soft drinks, eat more salads, and for goddess dake, avoid the mashed potatoes with every meal! And go take weighlifting or other aerobics classes at least once every semester!" Forget about going to witness history with a time machine, I want self intervention.

Sunday: My first time taking phentermine. The doctor did warn me that I might need to take half a pill, but I had to know what a whole pill would do to me. Buzzed almost out of this world. Driving wasn't an option, leaving the house didn't sound like a good idea, so I worked on computer stuff all day long. And the dose finally wore off when I started snarling in frustration at the computer stuff.

Monday: Only took half a pill this morning, and I seem to be functioning normally.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Sometimes, I'm just plain spooky

I actually wrote the second poem before getting called on the carpet for my evil multitasking ways. Because I don't multitask with work I'm obviously not doing any work. Course exactly, how much am I supposed to get done, when I get called to help someone almost every five minutes?

But now we can work on lawsuits, so at least I have another office function to do now when the program is being a bitch.

I don't how much I'm going to be on at night, so you should probably only look for me chat-wise on the weekends.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Goofed Up by the Weekend

Had too much caffeine Sunday to combat the leftover muscle relaxer and my sleep schedule isn't right yet. I will be going to yoga tonight and I need to add something to it. Weightlifting is still out and I'm feeling blah about walking. Swimming sounds good, but at the same time I want to wear myself out to sleep good--not be revved up from the exercise.

Updated Discipline Under Fire to get ready for 100 Words. Need to update my numbers for the stuff I have worked on in the past couple of days. Need to put the right files on the flashdrive so I can work on them. Need to read more poetry for class. Need to finish website updates, but the electricity has to stay on. (A storm knocked it out from 4pm to 9pm last night.) Need to catch up on writing group stuff. Need to catch up on emails. Need to work on everything.

Need more caffeine now!

Answered the call for more caffeine. Hopefully, I will exercise it away. Now I'm going to work on Educators' Guide.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Thursday, June 07, 2007

First yoga class!

Yeap, I finally made it. It went well, I didn't damage anything, and will go back next week. Hopefully, next week won't be anything like this week. Anyways, I feel good only my neck is tight and that's a big improvement from all down my back.

I was planning on going swimming Saturday, but there's no money for gas until Monday, so I better save the driving for Sunday and work. Which, is really a good thing, because I need to work on the Educator's Guide that I didn't get to tonight since I had to cook lunch for tomorrow.

So finish websites and make headway into the Educator's Guide. And hope beyond home that the constant calling my name is almost over at work.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Wednesday hopefully will be better

The universe does not want me to go to the gym. Sunday: it pours down raining and I don't want to drive in that. Monday: physical therapy appointment. Tuesday: a wreck on the Interstate snarls up traffic so bad that even though I take back roads, I miss the class and pretty much the hours of operation.

Today the online class technically starts. Three essays to read every week, and we're supposed to write 5 - 10 poems along with a paper by the end. *Gulp*

I also figured out yesterday that raspberry iced tea--while good--is not good at 6pm when trying to reestablish the sleep routine. No chores this morning since I got up late. An hour in the morning used to be enough time. Is my house that filthy? Am I moving slower? Is it just readjusting my daily schedule? Regardless, Tuesday left me with two rooms left to vacuum and daily chores uncompleted. But nothing is piled up like it was on Sunday.

But cleaning Sunday went well--as in I made headway into the pile ups. I also made a decision to use natural cleaning products. I could say that I researched and decided it was better for my health and environment, but why lie? Truth is, I ran out of chemical degreaser that wasn't doing jack on my stove crud. I didn't want to go to the store and remembered vinegar was supposed to work. It worked, but lemon juice got my teapot unsticky from greasy ick. Looks like new now. So now I'm getting empty spray bottles and researching to see what I should mix up.

So while I have a free minute, it's time to start on homework.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at:

Sunday, June 03, 2007

And just that quickly

I'm off schedule again. It must be some sort of talent, or a curse. I haven't decided yet.

Good news: I think we're caught up with the switch over to the new system at the paying job. Just a word of advice, next time bringing a new system online and changing how three divisions work, log in some weekend hours so you don't have to worry about new stuff piling on top of the old stuff waiting. I think I would have liked earning my 6.5 hours of overtime on a Saturday or the Monday we were off, rather than every day last week.

Other news: I think the schedule may have opened up enough to let me go do exercises. The gym at SLU offers both Tai Chi and Yoga 3 to 4 days a week during the Summer schedule, and when I can be reasonable sure I can get there for the classes. I don't want to start anything high impact and I'm not well enough for weightlifting, so I think even one of these two classes would be a good start.

Bad news: My house is practically and completely upside down. I really need to get it into shape so I can concentrate on other projects like writing, the tape migration, and remodeling the bathroom.

Actually I'm not being fair to the house. Most of the chaos is limited to the kitchen and office; the other rooms need tidying that is normal. It's just I got off my cleaning schedule back in March and haven't managed to get back on it. And the massive doses of caffeine the past week haven't helped. Another reason I want to go to the gym today, to wear my ass out to sleep good and wake up on time.

So looking at the writing schedule, I'm supposed to work on Alt. BM Site today, which I never got a chance to start. I think the Library's changes are done for this update at least. I will need to spend some time on the Alt. BM Site, mainly because I haven't yet, and changing things with Drupal always makes me antsy.

So I guess the plan for today is to the list the house chores, and work on the Alt. BM Site between them until about 5pm when I go workout. *Shrug* At least it's a plan.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at: