Saturday, May 29, 2004

It's productive goofing off

So I should be tossing papers out and getting rid of the stacks of junk in the kitchen. I am so not up to doing that. Nor am I up to actually balancing my checkbook and see how little of my money I have left.

So I'm playing around with a spread sheet I designed for keeping track of projects. I used to have a better memory for where I had exactly left a story, what needed to be done to it next, etc. Now I find I leave the folder out and I'm clueless to why it's out. Or get sidetracked and can't remember where in the editing process I was. Hence the spread sheet. Also it's a faily good measurement of how productive I have (or haven't) been. I feel a lot better about 2003 when I see the only think finished was the crossover. And that was 126,105 words long. It's all about perspective.

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The BookWorm

Friday, May 28, 2004

Wasting Time That's Not Wasted

Yes, I'm still goofing off reading the ghost stories, but I found at least one that has caught my storytelling interests. In 1746 Dmitri Girshkov stopped by a friend's grave on the way to his wedding and disappeared. The Father Litinov sees the distraught young man trying to find his friends, family, bride. A strange light and a gray mist surrounded the young man and he vanished. 1933 was the date of the reported siting, collaberated by other sitings during the past two centuries. What has snatched the poor guy and is depositing him in the future according to his POV, and then snatching him back? Could it happen again?

So it goes into the folder. I'll find something to match it up with.

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The BookWorm

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 19

Quote of the Day: It is not lack of polling data or campaign contributions which keeps many women from ascending higher on the political ladder. It is fear and loating for the political system itself. -- Madeleine Kunn, a governor of Vermont

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

19). What do you long for?

Publication, publication, publication. Financial security. A clean porch. A clean house. The house.

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The BookWorm

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Delaying writing hour

I need to get my car fixed, standard tune-up stuff that I have put off for way too long. But because of the wrecks at Denham Springs, I'm probably going to have to leave work early to get to the garage I like. *Sigh* Which means writing while I wait on my car.

So right now, I'm going to read.

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The BookWorm

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 18

Quote of the Day: What the hell is wrong with the I-12 Amite River Bridge?! -- Me (after hearing about 3 18-wheeler wreck this morning that will still be cleaning tonight when it's time to go home)

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

18). What can make you unbearably sad?

Pain, injustice, death. Tragedy especially historical tragedy. I watched 9/11, thanking the higher powers that it was just through a TV screen.

I cry over bills, but those are tears of frustration.

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The BookWorm

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Goofing off

I should be working but I don't feel like it. Meaning that it super slow at the job and I should be writing or working on some alien evolutionary steps, but instead I'm reading Real Ghosts, Restless Spirits, and Haunted Places by Brad Steiger. *Shrug* It has to go back to the library, you know.

Oh yes, I did managed to get to the library last Friday. I went in with a list of 5 books and came out with 8. My supervisor saw me waiting for the trolley and brought me back to work. But over all the experience went well. So nice to prowl around a library that doesn't care if you're in it or not.

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The BookWorm

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 17

Quote of the Day: There's one sure way of telling when politicians aren't telling the truth--their lips move. -- Felicity Kendall

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

17). What scares you to death?

Snakes. I hate snakes. I understand why they are a neccessary part of the chain of life and vow to stay out of their way if they stay out of mine. Once I convinced my great-grandmother to attack a pile of leaves that I thought was a snake.

Chad warned me last night that he saw a snake underneath the Inn. To explain, Chad lives in one of the buildings on the RenFaire site; upstairs in an apartment, downstairs is the demo area and kitchen. I told him that he would know what happened if he heard a scream and I was on the second floor balcony. Or in the tree.

Like the stupid geese weren't bad enough.

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The BookWorm

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 16

Quote of the Day: Under conditions of tyranny it is far easier to act than to think. -- Hannah Arendt

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

16). What can make you very, very, very angry?

Hypicroscy, lying, breaking an oath, never having enough money, everybody putting all the work on me, never having time off, nobody understanding what I mean, having to justify my every move (even though I offer it up voluntarily), feeling unappreciated.

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The BookWorm

Good suggestions but...

... you don't have to live with my mother. *Sigh* Yes, I feel that I'm being taken advantage of, and having my chi all depressed ain't making that any better, but now that they've decided to start selling the shit, I can't do anything. If I do, I have to sell it and I hate doing that. Plus two other households are involved along with the weather.

I asked when they have the next one planned for. "We haven't planned that. Have to do more cleaning and get more stuff out." If I haul it to the needy now, it's going to be "Kindra cost us hundreds of dollars." And more junk will be on my porches.

What good will losing my temper do? It'll be "Kindra's acting crazy again. How can she be against us making money when Mom's unemployed, Dad's working in underpaid spurts, and Kai doesn't pay any of the bills and has to save up for her test so she can get a real job. (Yet she has money to go buy any DVD she wants, GRRRRR!)


Sure I'll try to be firm. I'll say you've got till June 17th to get rid of it. Then it will storm every fucking weekend. And then I'll be out of line for not letting them have one more sale.

If it was a week or a month of this verbal abuse, I'd take it. But Mom will bring it back up and dwell on it till the day she dies. So I can't win and I might as well keep all the shit and call into work and tell them I've been barricaded in, can they find me a remote office job I can do from home? They don't want me to have pretty clean porches you can sit on. If they did, the two weeks at the beginning wouldn't have turned into six months. They wouldn't have piled MORE shit on after I rented a storage unit and shoved everything around so the furniture wouldn't get ruined.

And now I have to spend the whole goddamned day feeling depressed about it because there isn't anything I can do to resolve the stupid situation that won't turn into a family bloodbath!

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The BookWorm

Monday, May 24, 2004

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 15

Quote of the Day: A woman is like a teabag--you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. -- Nancy Reagan

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

15). What are your complexes, inhibitions, and superstitions, past and present?

What exactly qualifies? I'm not stalling for time; I just think a lot of things have been lumped together that maybe don't go together.

Superstitions, for some putting food outside on Halloween is a superstition, for me it's a religious practice. I'll admit there is no good reason for tossing spilt salt over your shoulder, except for respecting traditions far older than me.

Inhibitions - an inner impediment to free activity, expression, or functioning: as a : a psychic activity imposing restraint upon another activity. Yes, I did go look that up. Just want to be on the same page. Apparantly I have a sexual one that I haven't discovered the root cause of yet. I opt for the path of least resistance with family turmoil. I hate being labeled the difficult one, the uncooperative one, the one causing all the problems, when I'm supposed to be the dependable one. That may fall under complexes. I freeze up everytime I have to write a cover letter, or any other letter praising me. It's wrong to brag because nothing you have is worth bragging about.

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The BookWorm

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Electricity and Throwing out

Time for another break. I've gotten through three rooms so far, well 4 if you count the hall between the front and back bedrooms.

The problem with the clutter isn't so much stuff I'm keeping long past due, it's having no place to keep the stuff I need to keep. Books that don't get reshelved right away end up becoming stacks. Material that will use just about all of it by the time Faire starts has to be stored until I can work on it. And just when I think I have one area organized, I have to shove everything else into it because company is coming over. (The back bedroom gets used for this a lot.) The closets in the back bedroom weren't really the problem I thought they were. The main thing is a lot of little things that need to go into the boxes in them. Like the Christmas decorations I got from co-workers need to go in the Christmas box, etc.

Kitchen and office are a different story. That mess is stuff I need to throw out, once I have it scanned into the computer. Never enough time to do that. And I really DON'T want to spend the next weekend which is a three-day chained to my computer. Even though I know it's more beneficial to me in the long run. Damn, damn, damn. I hear the beach calling my name. Unfortunately it will call everybody else too. Maybe a karma deal I'll work Saturday and Sunday if I have Monday off? The rest of the kitchen mess, okay I hate being domestic. I haven't cleaned the fridge out in probably over six months, the floor needs moping, pantry and cabinets organizing.

The living room I need to buy more shelving to put in the entertainment unit. But that's clutter that needs money to organize. *Sigh*

The electricty: I'm on levelized billing which means I have an accuring account balance that gets bigger in summer paid off in winter but the monthly bill remains near the same amount. Well, apparantly there's been a screw up with this month's bill and they want the whole account balance in June. Yes, I'm talking with them on Monday.

The porches: I can't sell anything because that's WHY the stuff is on my porches! They've had two so far, but want to clean out their houses some more and have another one. I can't fight with my mother not when my house has the best location, I want them to dejunck their house, and she can't do everything herself (and my father and sister are not going to help). Though I think I'd be less huffy about it if my chi wasn't entirely blocked off AND stuff hadn't been sitting on my porch since last June!

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The BookWorm

Feng Shui

People don't believe in it environment affecting your life. I'm not one of them. It's not a magical cure for everything, but magic works symbolically. Everything is connected, interwoven in the great scheme of life.

Enough poetics. For a while now I've felt that aspects of my life are spiraling out of control. Finances especially, followed by my pro-writing. If it's not a time schedule issue, what is wrong? So after I took Chad home, I gave my house a hard look on paper with Feng Shui Step-by-Step to consult. It's the first Feng Shui book I got, and good for beginners without confusing everything.

1). Both porches are blocked with everyone else's junk. I can't get in through the front door because of all the garage sale stuff from the rest of the family. That overflow hit the back porch, and I can barely get out through there. Chi cannot travel into the house and so what chi is in the house is growing stagnant. Stagnant anything is never good. Stagnant water, stagnant oders, stagnant chi, you get the idea.

2). Overall, my worse cluttered rooms are:
a). office in the north, which is ruled by water. Blocked or stagnant chi here (either caused or represented by clutter or badly positioned furniture) hinders smooth flow of professional and financial affairs. (I just got a $273 electric bill, I think finances are in trouble.) Health problems that I have noticed or worried about: sexual debility, tooth decay, nervousness, depression, and lethargy.
b). kitchen in the northwest, which is ruled by metal. Blocked or stagnant chi here causes interruptions to the rhythm of professional affairs. Health problems that I have noticed or worried about: skin problems, degenation of spinal vertebrea, emotional blockages, and melancholy.
c). back bedroom, which is ruled by earth. Blocked or stagnant chi here undermines growth of professional affairs. Health problems that I have noticed or worried about: obseity, insomnia, nervousness, anxiety, insecurity, craving for attention, and loneliness.

3). Using the eight point system you can pinpoint areas in your life that are troubled and take steps to influence them. When the eight points are applied to the whole house, Marriage, Reputation, Money, and Children are the points most cluttered. When the eight points are applied to each room separately, and I tallied how many times the same one was cluttered in different rooms, Career, Friends, Family, Money, Reputation, and Marriage are equally cluttered.

While I can't do anything about the porch situations until other people take action, (No, it's not worth the fight that will last until I die if I hauled it to Goodwill now for them.) I can take steps inside the house. I must take steps inside the house. It's impossible to concentrate when I get this overwhelming sense of having to fix everything in here at once.

I have cleaned my bedroom, but will have to admit that room had the least amount of problems. I need to do some decorating changes, but that has to wait for the money. :p Feel the vicious cycle yet?

Okay enough of a break. Time to get back to cleaning.

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The BookWorm

Friday, May 21, 2004

Can I go to the library pleeeeeeaaaaasssseee, Mr. President?

That's right, George W. Bush is the speaker at LSU commencement this morning. Thank the Lord and Lady, I don't have to go! But I have to go to the State Library at lunch since they close at 4:30 and I can't go after work. Will the streets be open by noon? I have no idea.

And Chad is no fun to apologize to. I sent him a grumpy email Thursday morning, then later felt bad about it, and went to go see him after I got off work. "You were cranky, that's all. It didn't bother me." I told him he was no fun to apologize to.

And Wednesday night was spent at Jamie's house visiting with her and Kenn. We didn't end up leaving until 10:30pm. He got dropped off at his apartment, and I went home. :p

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The BookWorm

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 14

Quote of the Day: War is menstrual envy! -- Feminist anti-war slogan

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

14). What have been your frustrations and disappointments?

Way too many to dwell on. The latest one seems to be lack of time, lack of publishing, and trying to improve my area of Faire that no one from the owners down gives a damn about but the ones that have to work in it (me and my crew). It hit me Tuesday when I was having a spiraling frustration build-up from lack of sleep, that the stupid baron-lord-guy-thingy that hosts the very first joust in A Knight's Tale has a better looking dias than we do!

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The BookWorm

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Can't win

So gee what should I give up to get more sleep, have more writing time, better concentration at work? Move to Baton Rouge, the city with rent I can't afford to be closer to the bill paying job but away from the house I want to buy and keep in the family. And further away from family which needs me apparantly.

Bill-paying job? Yeah, I can barely eat with what income I have now. No income at all is the much better choice.

Online time? That has already gotten slashed dramatically and still no difference.

Writing? Let me go sharpen that battle-axe over there.

RenFaire? I'm doing as little as I can now, but I have to last the year.

Boyfriend? Oh yeah, that'll make everyone real happy. Mom will be happy cause I'll be sitting at home alone where she can watch me and then she can complain about me having no life again. My friends will be happy cause I'll be online to talk to them. I'll have plenty of time to write while I'm moping around.

I've been alone without a relationship of any significance for my ENTIRE life. I finally get one, and the council is from all sides is "gee you have to ditch something, your life is just too full. Dump the guy, you don't need him."

I'm a little miffed over having gotten no sleep, again. And that was as much my fault as Chad's. But that's an issue we have to work out.

As far as my math, something was wrong with the calculator. 12 + 4 = 16 That's exactly 8 hours left for sleeping, but that isn't enough since I have to get up at 5am (7 hrs.), don't fall asleep until 30 min. to an hour after I turn off lights (6 hrs.). So 5 days of 6 hours at the most is not enough. And the weekend catchup never works, just throws everything off and I'm in worse shape.

So I was right, it's not sleep deprivation psychosis. It's just operating without enough sleep period. Like the rest of the country.

Course I'm doubly miserable now because I can't breathe as well as wanting to crawl back into bed. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, I love to visit. I just can't do it in the middle of the week.

Time for caffine.


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The BookWorm

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 13

Quote of the Day: One of the things politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or reasonable sex. -- Margaret Thatcher

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

13). What have been your personal triumphs, past and present?

Getting an op-ed peice published by an independent editor. Wining a trip to Washington D.C. when I was a junior in high school with my writing. Winning second place in creative writing at the Louisiana Beta Convention 1995, and representing the state at the National Convention that summer. Showing my mother a check for the university's literary magazine that my story had won first place.

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The BookWorm

Wednesday, May 19, 2004


Why do I bother signing out of this thing? Anyway, I have plastered it everywhere else, and I don't care if it's a freebie site or not they published something of MINE!!!!!!!!!!

Pause for the dance of joy

Okay I'm better. You can read my article What Does Age Have To Do With It?. Please do read it. I'm obscenely proud of myself. I might try something frothy next.

Have to go. Got a block of paper to throw at my boyfriend.

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The BookWorm

Emotional crisis & Exhaustion

Yeap, it's back. Me blathering to the whole damn world, about the things rolling around inside my head.

Though I think I've stumbled on a trend with the emotional crisisi/crisises? Aw heck, what is the plural form of crisis?

The funks hit harder with the less sleep I've had.

Okay, hardly ground shattering, and I'm sure they've already done scientific research into it. I know it's not sleep deprivation psychosis (I love knowing the technical terms for things :D), like I had last summer. More like the sleep bank in my brain is making more withdrawals than deposits and running low on funds.

Example: yesterday I felt awful. I didn't want to be at work and everytime I thought about everything I had to do for Faire, I got more depressed, frustrated, and angry. And I wasn't even discussing it with anyone, just thinking and researching. I decided around lunch time to crawl into bed as soon as I got home, and if I still felt like crap go to the doctor today.

I was nearly asleep before 8pm, before somebody knocked on the back door and left my mail on the doorstep. Why can't they use the phone like NORMAL people? If all the fricking lights are off, I don't want to be bothered. I cooked some grits, ate and went back to bed. Mustard decided he needed more food and I need to feed him before 4am. That cat is going to find himself flung against the wall one of these mornings.

So I didn't get up exactly on time because of fighting with my cat. But I feel better. I feel a lot more confident about the plan of action I decided on yesterday for Faire, and just generally more upbeat. So it must be the sleep.

So I started on some calculations. Well I started them to have a really good argument as to what the hell is wrong with those three adults that they can't get laundry done in the 12 hours Monday - Friday that I am gone.
I leave for work 6:30 am.
I get home from work at 6:30 - 7pm depending on different facts.
That's 12 hours. I usually don't crawl into bed until 10 - 10:30pm. That's nearly 4 more hours. 12 + 4 = 20 Out of a 24-hour day, that leaves 4 hours for sleeping. Well really 3, since the alarm is set for 5am.

Maybe it is sleep deprivation psychosis.

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The BookWorm

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 12

Quote of the Day: In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -- Margaret Thatcher

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

12). What have been your most powerful sexual or romantic experiences?

Don't worry, I'll keep it clean. Actually because anything dirty is none of your damn business.

Faire had just ended, was it one week or two? Amazing what details are clear and what falls away as unimportant. It was before Angel left for Arizona, and I was at the Inn to watch a movie, and trying to make out without hurting Angel's feelings. He had just had a very public and painful breakup with another cast member. It was time for me to go home and Chad walked me out to my car. We ended up walking around the lake, to the joust field, back to my car, avoiding the other groups of rovers, and talking. And we finally talked about us. And more kissing.

Have you heard a really good kiss described as "curling your toes"? Those were the kisses on that moonlit, December night.

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The BookWorm

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 11

Quote of the Day: I'm not giving up my writing hour come hell or high water. What do you mean "it's high water"? -- Me

Personal note: I won't be online tonight. I'm going to crawl into bed as soon as I get home in hopes that more sleep will improve my mood.

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

11). What have been your most powerful (intense, significant, formative) non-sexual experiences (during childhood, adolecence, maturity)?

I'm mature? Okay, so that is debatable.

Significant experience that comes to mind happened when I was in the ninth grade, a freshman in high school. No longer a stranger, since the middle school had to be closed at the end of my sixth grade year and seventh and eighth grades were spent on the high school campus. Travel back in time to 1992. (What's going to be scary is when that actually becomes a period to go back to in the movies.) I had been writing continuously (well, it came in spurts but the spurts were more frequent) since 1988. The English teacher took one of my short stories to read to the class. I was trying to create a modern Gothic, a girl haunted and killed by her incestual deceased older brother (possibly step-brother, those details are fuzzy).

Nobody got it. A story I thought was so clear needed Superman's X-ray vision for anyone else to understand it. Even worse, none of my classmates thought my writing was something special, something unique. "So-and-so has stories too. She should get the teacher to read them too." That was devestating. I think it was part of the reason I first turned to fanfics; my friends who liked the original universe would be the only ones who saw them. But even their praise of "wow, this is good" grew stale.

I fluctuated between fanfics and originals all through high school, not even knowing what a fanfic was. The Internet wasn't available until after I got to college. I remember a friend giving back a story with "that was good. I really liked the characters." I hadn't had to pull the second sentence from him with pliers and was overjoyed.

I wish I would have had Orson Scott Card's checklist back then to hand people who wanted to read my stories.

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The BookWorm

Monday, May 17, 2004

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 10

Quote of the Day: I am capable of parading down the road of the oblivious. -- Me!

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

10). Who have you disliked intensely?

I don't know if I've had a passionate hating experience against a person. People who annoy me, the ones that make me hide in the closet than deal with them, yeap, plenty of those. I call them chalkboard people, because they make you feel like you're the fingernail being dragged across one.

The one who comes to mind first is S. S. is a fount of kindness, eager to do the right thing, eager to do anything. After three seconds in a converstaion that threatens to go on forever, your brain screams at her to get to the point already while your lips refuse to let it out.

S. also believes just talking to kids affects the desired changes in their behavior. Consequently, everyone flees from the terrors she calls her darlings. The cast party is a perfect example.

Cast party is always on the coldest night of the season without fail. I had a seat next to the file with S.'s daughter screaming behind me. She wanted out of her stroller because she was tired, cold, cranky, and probably hungry. S.'s son--also behind me--whined because his sister was getting all Mommy's attention. And I was stuck trying to figure out which of the choices running through my head was the correct answer. A). Stay put and not lose a fire seat. B). Pop the kids. They deserve it and it's probably dark enough not to get caught. C). Run for my car. Socializing ain't worth it. D). Take S.'s kids away from her for their own good.

Hate her? No. Crazy enough to spend an entire day with her and her kids? Not even if I was paid for it.

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The BookWorm

Friday, May 14, 2004

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 9

Quote of the Day: As a woman I can't go to war, and I refuse to send anyone else. -- Jeanette Rankin, the sole member of Congress to vote against the U.S. entry into World War II.

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

9). Who have you loved intensely?

Intensely, meaning the same as passionately? I love Chad deeply, a steady bedrock that doesn't shift. A good thing, given how everything else tends to shift around us. Not the same as the crushes I have had. Thoase have been the adrenline rushes and panic attacks and too shy and awkward and ugly to do anything about it. The one time I screwed up my courage and made the first move on a guy, kissing him on a moonlit walk around the campus, he didn't love me back. And showed his true colors about a year later. I'd rather hold onto Chad, trusting that bedrock, and let the passion develop in the moment.

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The BookWorm

Wednesday, May 12, 2004


I can't be trusted with any online friendships. My insane way of taking perceived hurts out on friends has cost me another friendship. I'm obviously too sensitive about everything right now. Red says I'm abusing her and that's probably right, since I can't seem to communicate how I feel to anyone. And I keep trying to explain the hurt away or at least just explain the hurt and I'm told to get over it. So I'm wrong. How I feel is always wrong. The more I try to explain, the more I abuse. And everyone else just looks on in bewilderment.

I don't want to fight; I just want my feelings validated. And an apology. But nobody thinks I deserve one. I don't. I'm just too bitchy. I snap and snarl at everyone when I feel wounded like this. But the wound is from something I'm told never happened, despite me trying to explain what caused it.

Red thinks her view is valid because she thinks she told the truth. No apology necessary. I'm in denial about how I feel about Carbine, so it doesn't matter what I say. For me, not believing what I say is the same as calling me a liar.

I think I told the truth about her art post deletion and she's in denial about that. But I apologize and let it drop because I was in the wrong about taking it public. She says she's over the art post. I let it drop. When I bring up another problem, it's all tied back to my problem with Carbine after I said that had nothing to do with it.

I'm a liar again. But she says she never called me a liar. And that's technically true, she has never out-and-out said "you liar." But I feel as though she did.

So am I wrong for feeling hurt that who I considered a friend is calling me a liar and telling me to get over feeling hurt? Or for wanting an apology for it? If I'm wrong please tell me where.

It's not going to happen. The apology. I'm obviously delusional for even wanting one when I've been such a horrible, evil, vile, vicious creature that should be burned at the stake.

This blog was supposed to make me deal with this stuff better. Clear up my feelings, clear up my obstufication, helping me de-sensitize to all these delusional hurts that come out of nowhere and are never intended to hurt me.

I'm taking myself out of circulation until these insane fluctuating emotions stop. So no more personal rants and raves in the blog. I'll just leave it for the author exercises.

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The BookWorm

Communication Skills

For a writer, I must have lousey communication skills. I tell people "I don't hate Carbine" and their repsonse is "Yeah, right, look at your stories." I tell people "You can't judge how a person feels by an artform that is calculated to envoke certain feelings in the reader. That kind of logic leads to locking Stephen King up as a mass murderer because that's all he writes about." And their response is "You are in such denial. Look at your stories. Of course you hate Carbine."

I asked my Carbine bashing question back in January 2003, so I must have been concerned before then. The "Who Does Charley Get" thread started in June 2003.

So for well over a year, I've been called a liar behind my back or to my face. I can see the eyerolling from here. Oh but Red calling me a liar was just a misunderstanding because I'm in denial and look at my stories for the proof. I'm surprised I haven't "over-reacted" before now.

Okay fine, so I'll stick with Plan A to prove y'all wrong.

Then the bitch hits me on a public forum. Since everything I say is always considered wrong by this bitch and I don't want to cause a bigger scene by hitting back, I email the moderators to intervene. I rant to my journal about the hitting issue and other issues I have with her--I'm not denying they are there but I can ignore the jackass over those.

And then I'm told I'm over-reacting about the Carbine issue again. THE BITCH FUCKING HIT ME! And that's what I explained was upsetting me.

Course now it's going to be "we're not calling you a liar." But saying you don't believe me or what I say is calling me a liar. The only thing that comes close to lies from me is writing fiction, and that's only because it's made up actions to explain and entertain on the truth of the human condition.

Now it's going to be over-reacting on being called a liar. I guess I'm supposed to put on a happy face when my friends call me names. But if their response is "we're not calling you a liar" then it must be a lack of communication somewhere. So that's how I came to the conclusion that I'm a writer with lousey communication skills.

*Sigh* So this non-communicating writer is going to rant on ageism if I can ever find the reference material and send it to Useless Knowledge. I hope it's not a permenant disability.

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The BookWorm

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Growling with frustration

Quote of the Day: Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it. -- Senator Dianne Feinstein

I'm going to end up hurting that child, as Jazzie called her. Hurt her badly. She seems to be under the impression that we are equals. Hardly. We may see the Ogress tromping again if Red even bothers reading that thing she calls a story with no plot structure, character development, or empathy and sees what she did to Stoker. Right, like that has validity from the series which her last post (the one that has me ticked off because I can't go to Finland and ram her teeth down her throat) claims ALL her stories have. Bull-fucking-shit.

She is right about one thing, you can't please every reader. And I'm not trying to. I'm just sick and tired of it being said that blank is morally wrong and I must be some sick twisted fuck to even think that way.

*Sigh* That's probably reading too much into it. But when you work with people who are always calling you crazy, your family thinks your a little off, you know alcoholism and child molestation run in your family--hey true insanity can't be that far away. Some days you feel like you're right on the abyss, other days are great. You go to fandom to seek acceptance over at least something you share in common. Not expecting total agreement, that's boring. But acceptance means EVERYONE's views are valid. Even the person who sees Throttle and Vinnie as the hottest slash couple around.

But no, something is wrong with me because I like to explore a particular fertile what-if. And it must be fertile, given how may stories have branched off the idea.

Okay, so I'm taking it too personally. I'm working on some ideas, purposily exploring tangents and what-ifs I have left alone, and letting the subject drop. AND SHE'S GOING TO PUNCH ME!

In reflection, it's probably a good thing there's an ocean between us. I've managed to keep my hot head from landing me in jail this long, I'd hate to break the record. I don't care what the rest of the bitch's bullshitting post says. After I apologized mid-rant, after she's claimed I've got a psychological agenda for everything I write (see the Stoker story for that lovely bit of hypocrisy), after I answered her rather nicely giving how I was feeling at the time on Unofficial's Board (the moronic bitch doesn't even read a goddamned Author's Note when I post a page long one spelling out by episode where I got my what-ifs), I decided that Plan A is the only solution. AND SHE'S HITS ME!

This was supposed to be a nice posting day. Work was calm. I prettied the blog page and made a profile. I was going to chat a little bit, answer a question, and work on money and Zy's novel. Now it's time to hit the road. I'm fine, everything's fine. I've vented and I'm fine. And not the Aerosmith F.I.N.E. either. :p The other mods can handle her or chose not to. I've got Plan A. Though I'm positive she'll find something objectionable in it as well.

Time to go home, work on money, and see if a new Trojan has found my computer. If it has, screw what Chad says about dial-up, the firewall is going back up. No time for the question today.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Monday, May 10, 2004

Feeling Chatty

I think my script concersn got overshadowed by personal life issues. Now that life has settled down (though work may have something new crop up :p), I still have the script concerns.

I want to keep the basic premise: Biker Mice crash on Earth, meet Charley, and find out the Plutarkians are on Earth too.

What I want to change:
1). Make the promise and loss of going home more poignant. -- This should be a big thing and it was just glossed over except for a few episodes.

2). Make the bad guys bad instead of just comedic. -- Don't get me wrong, I like the comedy. But having them be a lot more efficient and still lose will up the ante for

3). The invasion of Earth in inevitable. -- The Plutarkians are going to get tired of the slow progress and invade in mass.

4). Need more Earth Freedom Fighters. -- Charley needs the idea to start her own. And their needs to be more Earthling who have realized something's not kosher.

5). Relationship shakeups and new characters. -- I'm considering adding Hannah to the roster with a changed creation story. For relationship shakeup, Modo and Charley--mostly because of Hannah. Vinnie raising kids scares me. Not something I want to explore yet.

6). Dialogue. -- My initial concern has been solved. Making the changes to the plot to inact the above points means brand new dialogue. I'll keep the catch phrases, mainly because I like them.

Let me know what you think.

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The BookWorm

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 8

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

8). Which relationships in your life have involved conflict (in your family, in your romantic life, in your friendships, in your work life)?

All of the above to different degrees of conflict. Chad and I haven't had a real spat yet, just me wailing about money and him agreeing with me.

Family: Mom and I butt heads, not as much as during the teenage years, but she never listens and I'm too high-strung about stuff. No, I don't think I'm being unreasonable to expect to have my porch back by the time Krista hits 30. (She's 20 now.) Kai has the middle-kid syndrome, always neglected yet has had more money poured into her various things than me and Krista combined. I tell people that when I was 4 I asked for a horse and a baby sister. My parents got me the sister. The horse would've been cheaper. She's not as bad as she used to be toward me, but her and Krista, whew!

Friendships: see last weekend.

Work: They all think I'm crazy. I think they're all crazy, so it's a pretty fair deal. Chad says I'm not crazy other than working for the state, which breeds a certain kind of insanity but nothing dangerous. We've managed not to kill anyone in our office and mostly get along. Considering that we see each other more than we see our familes, that's probably a good thing.

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The BookWorm

Second Tries

Quote of the Day: Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. -- Bella Abzug

Well I packed the Mother's Day project to mail and forgot the money stuff I packed to figure out my budget for this check. Sometimes you just get can't win. I didn't want to deal with money today anyway, so maybe I have won.

The living room still has the office mess. I'm going to have to work on that tonight. It's ridiculous that in order to clean one room, you must clutter up at least two more. It's looking like time to reorganize the books, since I'm running out of shelf room again. I'm probably going to switch over the the Dewey Decimal system for nonfiction, as my current groups are inadequate. That's going to make reorganizing the database fun. At least I made progress in separating crucial money mail from the non-crucial and probably junk mail.

And after I through with the office, it'll be time to go through the FILES *cue scary organ music*. The files in question are the ones I've been carting since before college. A lot of them I want/need to keep, but in a digital format.

I like the changes they've made to Blogger; it's working pretty good.

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The BookWorm

Jotted Notes

I feel like I'm marking time. I want the approach to Cobaine's fortress to be cautious and professional but it's boring the writer.

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The BookWorm

Cleaning Fit (Flashback May 9, 2004)

It was a free day. Of course, instead of sitting and trying to write, I go on a cleaning spree.

Not right at first though. I saw my company off first, and then gave Mom her Mother's Day gift. She loved the bistro plates I found.

Then I puttered around the office. Tried to get the HP LaserJet printer I liberated from Dad working. It hasn't so far. I'm hoping a new toner cartridge will do the trick.

Next came shoving everything around in the office. Cleaned off the desk and moved most of that into the living room so I can go through it. I want to put another chair into my office, but I don't know if I have room for it. Do know I don't have room with all the crates and piles of boxes that I usually keep stacked in there.

Break time almost over.

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The BookWorm

Friday, May 07, 2004

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 7

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

7). How would you describe your temperment?

Damn, if that ain't timely. Volitile. Nitroglycerin sweated off a stick of dynamite shaped like a cactus. I'm overly sensitive and going into a field where rejection is the normal procedure. Skin is so thin it can be transparant.. Hurt me or mine and I lash out with what I hope is razor-sharp wit. Violent. Apologetic to the friends who never really deserve the outrage.

I want to learn how to shrug it all off. But the harder I try, the more everything gets to me.

In need of professional help, that's the best way to describe my temperment.

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The BookWorm

Tired Friday

Quote of the Day: The test for whether or not you can hold a job should not be the arrangement of your chromosomes. -- Bella Abzug

In the doctor's office and have no desire to write fiction. Hugh Jackman was on TV, talking up Van Helsing. He has got the greatest smile.

Not wanting to think is because I didn't crawl into bed until midnight. Chad had to do laundry; I had to finish the cover art. Skipped my writing hour and traffic slowed me down. I hate that soul sucking commute.

I took the finished Mother's Day prject to Kinko's before work. WHEEE! Only around $4 per book. I guess they expect people to buy more than one. I finally decided on what I want as binding and getting that done after work.

Saturday is cast call and I'll be having a gang at my house again. SO that means cleaning enough room for them tonight. Ugh, it's always a problem with the furniture. And I can't put anything on the porches as a temporary measure, 'cause the porches are filled with garage sale stuff from my family. I can't win that fight; I've been battling it over a year now.

I really just need a month off to go through everything and sort it, toss it, or put it on the computer and then toss it. Course I need that month for yard work, writing, building a joust field, etc. Maybe I'll take stress leave next.

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The BookWorm

Thursday, May 06, 2004

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 6

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

6). If you had to describe your physical appearance, what would you mention first?

My eyes. Eyes are the windows of the soul, another writer said before. Color is a blue grey that loves to shift depending on what I'm wearing. Sometimes I think they're too small for my face, and I hate the black smudges under them from constant lack of sleep. My eyelashes are long and black. I never need any of those lengthing mascaras. I don't think they've changed much since I was a child. I hope they never do. Too lose the sense of wonder, you lose what makes you a writer.

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The BookWorm

I Should Know Better

Roughly twelve hours without allergy meds equals one miserable day. I took something this morning, but everything neck up still hurts.

Figured out what happened to my board sigs, and the same thing happened to all the pics I put up. :p I'll fix that on a slower basis. Plus that gives me a chance to put all Morning's pics in one directory.

Finally finished the copyediting work last night. Have to finish the cover art tonight. Looking like a Saturday mailing date on this project. I'll have to redraw the katana, it got smudged. And then have to figure out shading with PaintShop.

It's Walky! has had its first casualty, or a precog casualty. Either way, I wasn't too convinced with the hype of killing off the characters before now.

I think the blog will work better if I divide up the rambles from the exercises. I'm going back and edit the others, and start that today.

I have a go ahead on the script idea. Now revisioning won't be hard; I've done that before. I don't know about dialogue. There are some bits and lines I just love, but should I leave them out because they're from a different writer? TMNT had it easier, I think.

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The BookWorm

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Getting Back to the Exercises

Quote of the Day:
when people ask me why I am running as a woman, I always answer, "What choice do I have?" -- Patricia Schroeder

So I need to work on quashing the must-explain syndrome. Chad says it's from the teacher in me. :p Jazz recommends an out-of-sight journal. I just hope it doesn't count as another abusive email.

We had Chinese buffet for lunch, a break we all needed. The only problem is the best place in Baton Rouge is also the busiest. And they're building a new (and unneccessary) Wal-Mart in that area too. Great Wall got a great new building out of the deal, but parking is choatic.

Cover art was the goal last night. All I need is the Biker Mice gun by itself. Problem: all the pictures available have somone holding the gun. Got a tracing done of the gun from the line art, which is a design never used on the show. I'm going to try to get the show gun with a hand (since drawing in the missing handle doesn't work) tonight. If it doesn't work I go with what I have now. Like all this perfectionism really matters.

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The BookWorm

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1 Question 5

Crossroads: An Author Self-Interrogation Chapter 1

5). What are your special abilities and areas of expertise or particular knowledge?

I'm good at Jeopardy and Jazzie says I have a sarcastic wit. Being a 17th century pirate ehm, privateer. Getting principles in the way of being diplomatic.

Okay, so I definately need to work on this question more.

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The BookWorm

Tuesday, May 04, 2004


Nothing worse than being hungover and done nothing the night before to warrant it. But then a crying binge, not going to bed till 11pm, and then having my cat wake me up at 2am add up to me wanting to crawl back into bed after shooting out the sun.

At least there's no puking.

On the other hand, that would've kept me home for sure. But that would have left work with only one batcher today. Too conscientious and it happened just two weeks ago.

Off May 31st, woot!

I think the Excedrin and caffine have kicked in finally. What a night.

How to answer Jazzie's question. Differences of perception made worse by a temper tantrum from me. We're working it out.

Course I never got to do what I needed to do, which is work on the Mother's Day project. I forgot that I had ran out of tracing paper and I need an outline of the pics for cover art. I'm not fighting with PaintShop just to get an outline. While I'm thinking about it, I should probably greyscale my insignia. Of course, I was in no condition to copyedit last night either. I'll probably start on that during lunch after I type this blog and my writing hour. I need to get it in the mail on Thursday.

Ugh, out of time for the exercises again. I think I might need to make those separate posts.

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The BookWorm

Monday, May 03, 2004

48 Hours

I'll be fair. Give time for a response. I reacted out of anger, and I should apologize. But if by 4:30 Wednesday there has been no response to my apology letter, I'll withdraw from Red Planet and Pen to Paper because I am no longer welcome there.

I will miss both boards. And I will miss the friends I made there more.

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The BookWorm

Mondays Suck

Quote of the Day: I have a brain and a uterus, and I use both. -- Patricia Schroeder

Nobody is ever ready to start work again.

Apparantly I'm in the doghouse with everyone now. No answers to any of my emails. Don't know why either. I commented on Red's art. Apparantly Red didn't like what I said, delted the thread, and slammed Red Planet as being the cause of it all. I stood up for the board and my comment, and emailed her. I guess it's true, nobody like being told they're acting like an idiot; no answer to my email and Red's next post was to tell everyone else they had no worries. So yes, the problem is with me. No answer to my second email. Maybe my tone was too harsh. Why should I be harsh? Deleting a whole thread because you have a problem with one entry is stupid. And if the person who wrote it is your friend, what is wrong with contacting them with the problem? And I'm supposed to take anything dished out to my stories with a smile on my face, and everyone else gets to stomp their feet? Okay, so I'm mad and hurt.

Don't know why I'm bothering to blog all this. Not like they're reading it. I've been dumped, which on the Internet sounds just like a modem hanging up. If I'm wrong just TELL ME I'M WRONG! Don't abandon me. Don't leave me out in the cold.

I never should have wrote how much that hurts me. Gave everyone a weapon now. "Just ignore her and she'll slink away."

Sorry for bothering any reader out there with this, but Mondays suck worse when you've been abandoned by who you thought were your friends and you could be honest to without that happening.

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The BookWorm

Sunday, May 02, 2004

So apparantly it's me

Annoyed Red?

How do I feel? Hurt. I thought we had a stronger friendship than that. Which is why I emailed her the first email. Friends don't let friends act stupid.

Then again, maybe I'm the only one who really feels that way.

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The BookWorm

Saturday, May 01, 2004

Taking a break

Been working on the Mother's Day project pretty much all day, once I got through speaking my mind on the same subject on Red's blog, Red Planet, and an email to her. Probably should add something about not being able to shut up once my buttons get pushed to keep track of personality quirks to give characters. Then again it probably falls under the no like it when something else if being slammed. Red Planet is a good board.

:p Okay that can go on for a while if I let myself get started.

Do need to remember to email Jazzie about when she's off.

Also need to remember to lose more weight before summer really kicks in. *Pulling down shorts that have ridden up.

Back to work.

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The BookWorm