Friday, October 28, 2005

The enigma that is Mylte and other car notes

Today has ended up being a weird Friday. I totally forgot to pack my reward stuff to work on as well as Zy's novel. I don't feel that my head is on straight enough for homework. Though I have to work on it. So here's the car notes, enjoy.

October 26, 2005
The enigma that is Mylte
I got nearly five pages of background work done on him before the scanners were up and running. I've got his backstory together and why he is where Zy finds him. And a strong kernel that can be developed into a future story. Funny, who I envisioned as the ruthless nearly pathological muscle has normal parents. I still have to iron out the culture, but I feel I have made a lot of progress.

Went through five stores to find an organizer with a strap. Then the strap fell apart. Of course to get the strap I had to buy a cheap product so I'm not surprised that it fell apart. But the quality ones don't have straps.

I need to compile work into one place, well two places. One notebook/binder and one folder on the harddrive that can be backed up. It's getting to hard to find stuff. Though I doubt I'm going to get a chance this weekend to clean out my harddrive.

October 27, 2005
Well, I was being uber-good today. I'm supposed to work on Zy's novel and four assignments before writing the blog entry. I got stuck on the first assignment. Not stuck as in not thinking of anything but that I didn't finish my word count. The first assignment also means I have to skimmingly reread When We Were Orphans.

I don't know if we're going to end up keeping the check scanning or not. The bank can't get us a deposit report the next day which means we can't deliever any work until we get it. Not my call to make, but every issue that has popped up, Marian and I brought up in the constant meetings to sell the system to us. I think it proves a Dilbert principle about management, and now I'll switch the subject.

Ugh, now I'm trying to doze off on the drive home. And everybody started using my cut over. Bus route please, please, pretty please!

Looks like the colder weather is here for a while, and I need a coat and a pair of gloves. I thought I bought gloves last year but all I can find are my garb gloves. I guess I donated them with the coat. I want a winter fashion statement made by me, since all my other coats were hand-me-downs or bought by my mother. It's time I went shopping.

Oh, the light is messed up. Damn, I wish the radio had told me. Past that now. Yet another reason for the bus route.

I hope I'm not completely drained by the time I get home. I want soup for this nasal sinus thing I have right now, and the food court at SLU doesn't have soup. But Quinizno's does!

Back to today
I have spent most of today feeling like the barely reanimated dead. And I have oodles of sewing to get done for Halloween. Looks like we're keeping the scanners: they've worked out the latest issue.

Want to remember this website: Backspace: the Writer's Place. It was recommended by a few readers of Miss Snark's blog.

Have to make sure everything is done for today and I'm going to try to put my brain in the late 1500s for Capt. Kate's short story.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

New Level of Purgatory

Okay, I'm breaking my rule to myself. Today has been overall weird since I had to get my favorites list back in order--and just after I had condensed the essentials to one folder. But today is also a day of relief and release and I'll get back to work soon enough.

I've been released from phone bank hell to check scanning hell. I'm glad the phone bank gig is done for me. I've helped and even got a thank you card from a consumer, but there's limits to what we can do. Unfortunately, we can't break the knees of the insurance companies who are jerking their customers around, no matter how much they deserve it. On a personal note, it's draining work that nobody understands until they are put through it. I've had more bust days than writing days this past week and sleep has been weird. Falling asleep at the wheel looks like a serious issue in the morning (though it wasn't as bad this morning, but I also ended up sleeping later than usual). I'm fine at home, but the second I'm in the car, dropping eyelids.

CATS (Capital Area Transit--Baton Rouge's bus system) is supposed to get a route out to Hammond for park and ride. I hope it works out soon, because no matter how long it takes, the ride is way less stressful when someone else is behind the wheel.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Friday, October 21, 2005

Catch up on Fridays

Finished one week on the phones. Not as insane as taking calls for Sprint, and I'm taking my ten minutes an hour breaks we're given. Thirty minutes for lunch is barely time to eat and I'm trying to drink more water. Cutting back on the soft drinks so I don't belch in a caller's ear and so I will sleep at night. Though I wish they had gotten enough people so we could have four-day weeks. I could barely keep my eyes open on the drive-in, and sitting at the cubicle isn't much better.

I heard back from the second round of blood testing--borderline diabetic. "What do I do now, schedule an appointment with the dietian?"
"Come back in two months and we'll test it again."
Okay, just cause I'm under thirty doesn't mean this is going to go away on its own. Both my parents are diabetic, my maternal grandmother is diabetic, I'm 180 pounds (home scale) and should be 120, and find it impossible to schedule in exercise. Even the new schedule is no help. I'm getting off at 3:30pm and getting home at 5:00pm.

I also need to check my homewoners insurance for a hurricane deductible and check out the new items I can buy on it. They didn't explain them well in their letter.

Now I'm going to go back through the car notebooks for dated jottings and clean them out.

9/19/2005: Car whinning. No need to repeat.

9/22/2005: Nothing like a natural catastrophe (Rita) to snap one out of depression. Actually I have to go shopping. I have to get shelves and clean house.

I will need to get new nightstands and bedspread eventually. Looks like feeder bands have started above Baton Rouge.

I can upload website and pictures to blog tonight I hope. I'm trying to make my way to Baton Rouge Big Lots. Download yWriter tonight too.

Bought shelves. Not the white ones I wanted but I need them and can't be choosy. I'll get nicer stuff later, like after hurricane season.

We're already getting rain from Rita at 5:55pm in Denham Springs. I'll be sticking with 190 instead of I-12.

10/10/2005: A page a day equals 420 words a day (I double space after typing). That is a doable chunck; I'm not arguing with that. But how do I fit it in with the other writing I must do? The list of due dates is rather overhelming. One day one page at a time, but I'm going to have to be on a tighter schedule for the rest.

Shoot. I closed down too soon. I need to know how many pages I need to do a day to get the papers done on time. (I have done this and broke it down by a daily woord count.)

I like these new Atlantis pens from Bic, which means they won't make any more of them.

I have a lot more time to myself than I thought I would in the mornings. Problem is can I count on myself to get up that early every morning? I'm afraid to pin my writing on my sleep deprevation. Of course there's the stay up late and try to work. *Snort.* I'm brain dead when I get home. So mornings before everyone gets in is my only hope.

Fridays will be my reward day. (Why you're getting a blog today--I met my reward work quota.)

I need to consider Zy's series posibilities. Well there's the romance subplot: will Zy have figured out Xeryl's truth before it explodes? But that maybe the last story of this series. Long time of nothing but blank thoughts. Man, they've managed to do this for years on Law & Order.

Little girl lost, that face still gets to me but it needs more of a story to go with it.

Mylte's past with his homeworld and culture. I need to work on these some more, but again I want to leave him an enigma for a while.

Action adventure, such a fun genre. Plots should be easier and they're not.

Zy gets a promotion and something happens?

A good point from reading Holly Lisle's site: I'm making my manuscript pretty and how I would envision selling it to the public. It doesn't match the accepted formats for submissions. I've decided to continue writing it as I have, and worry about how to do word box inserts in a fiction submission during the editing process.

10/11/2005: I'm going to have to do some more background work in Zy's universe. I've started well with the species but they need more work from a culture standpoint.

Also need to add Zy's reports back to IGA in the story.

Mylte and Xeryl's cultures especially. Which means a trip to the library for books.

10/12/2005: More car whinning.

10/18/2005: Pretty brain dead, but its not as bad as working for Convergys. Though getting off with these early hours makes me hopeful I will get brain power back. (Hasn't happened yet.)

Now dealing with home distractions is another story. It's hard to concentrate with the siren call of other projects that need to be finished, started, or worked on. I know it's just a tool of my procrastination complex but knowing that hasn't given me a practical way to ignore it.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Monday, October 17, 2005


Yeah I'm developing nervous tics. Okay, it's really not that bad, just sudden and possibly for four to six months. It's a good thing I quit Faire (even if I'm still over there just as much) because I'd be pulling my hair out and be bald by now.

Everything is still upside from the hurricanes--and now Tropical Storm Wilma is out there--travel time nightmares ferrying Chad back and forth to Lafayette, getting my house and yard in order. School is its own unique headache and I find myself descending into bad undergrad techniques to get by. Luckily, I've got two scatterbrains (Chad's compared them to Hagrid and Professor Twellney from Harry Potter and I agree) and they have accepted that this is the semester from Hell and just make an attempt will ya? I'm keeping up with the readings when I can and working on wowing them with papers.

Been slowly bringing my fiction writing back to speed after months of neglect. The new travel time actually worked in favor of that, I had an hour or so before paying job with nothing but Internet distractions. Ending up exhausted and not looking much better, but I could deal with it. Felt like fingernails on chalkboard but I was dealing with it.

Then Friday I got a new bam. I don't do well with bams. But we all know how I get het up about something. I was selected to work on the Department of Insurance phone bank for hurricane victims. Out of 400 employees, an outside firm picked 25 of us to work on this for four to six months. New hours 7am to 3:30pm and physically moved to a new cubicle.

Nobody knew this was going on until it was a done deal. My supervisor started having second thoughts after it was pointed out she was losing two batchers to this deal and one was out sick. Check scanning is supposed to go live on Oct. 26 and everyone trained to do it (and will do it) is gone. Supposedly as we left Friday, this assignment should only last until the 26th. We'll see.

Granted I felt overwhelmed and didn't want the new job. All the old insequrities about dealing with people went spinning free through my head. Next weekened is the teachers' workshop. Hopefully these new hours will get me home and not too drained to do stuff like Internet. No more time to play at work.

Day is done update: I survived. I don't know how long I can keep it up, but I didn't make that many mistakes. Terry's right, karma is in action in our old office. We don't know if they will get their way and get us back, and I don't really care. I don't know when I'll get another chance to update, so stay tuned.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Thursday, October 13, 2005


I've been blogging here now for two years. Yes, I know the archive list is a little off. Before October 2003 posts, were actually flashback notes from my notebooks. I wasn't supposed to put them up like that, then forgot and put them up. Silly me.

In honor of the milestone: the results of a quiz.

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

So what's ahead for the next year? More of the same I'm afraid. But if it's not broken, why fix it?

I've been bad in the morning since I got Zy stuck in the bathroom. I've been concentrating on working on expanding the characters. They've been in my head for a long time (I started one version of Zy's novel back in high school that was thankfully abandoned. This wouldn't be nearly as much fun battling a Hitler brought forward in time. Trust me.) but I don't know as much about them as I should. Probably due to the long vacations from working on the text. So I've been typing up my car notebook info on the Strix and Capt. Kate stories so I won't lose them, while grappling with characters. I've counted a lot of numbers, but it's not on the project I wanted to be concentrating on. On the other hand, I've got some analysis of Xeryl and some culture and personality stuff on my still unnamed murderer.

And going home and getting anything done has been doubly hard. I'm just so tired when I get there. Oh well, I'm going to have to buckle down tonight. Have to go to the store too. Mustard is out of cat food.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Middle of the week slump

I got all my handwritten notes typed for Strix into Discipline Under Fire so I won't lose them. And I'm working on character/world building in Zy's novel. Xeryl--charming rouge that he is--isn't letting me know his reactions to things. And Mylte, he's an alien Bunter that can kick ass. Yes, I know Bunter was in the Army and he probably could but it's not his style. His style was the rock solid stoicism.

So it's lunch time, and I'm ty to be better today and resist the siren call of sweets and caffine. I tried to work with yWriter and I think I understand the basics of how the program works. Now I just have to put in the rest information.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Banging my head against the desk

Well, I haven't been sent home over my clothes yet. Had lunch, stained my shirt green with brocolli (why is it I can't eat anything without it landing on my boobs?), got my earphone on (we're only allowed to have one ear plugged up), and can't concentrate.

So all serious writing will need to be done before my coworkers show up in the morning. So I just have to keep getting up at 4am and use lunch to check on all the webcomics and blogs and advice columns and news websites. Boyo, THAT's going to be a hard habit to switch. But right now I have story issues and I can't seem to get into the characters heads long enough to deal with it before I'm distracted.

Meanwhile Zy, my protagonist, is in the bathroom and doesn't want to leave because that means she has to suck it up and apologize to Xeryl because she needs his help. She is completely ignoring his spot-on observation that upset her in the first place. She has to leave, she can't do her job from the bathroom--and I have no story--so she will leave. But what will she find on the other side? How does Xeryl feel after the spat? What does Mylte think of these people he has ended up with?

I fixed some timeline issues I had noticed. I think I'm going to end up with another chapter inserted into the notecard outline that was the last version of the outline I have. I swear tonight I'm using yWriter to map out the rest of the story issues and get my books put away so I have my desk space back. And I think that means I'm going to have to put the white shelves together first. Ugh. And I have to cook because I have no food for lunches.

Plus I forgot to call about housekeeping prices. Damn.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Getting notes in order

Just getting the notes in order for Zy's novel added 108 words to the file. The running tally is going to be seriously messed up until I can work at home on it.

Total as of end of Chp. 5 = 18,883 words
Word count of file of just Chp. 4 and 5 = 8489 words (which I'm assuming is added to the above total)
Post total = ? words

I'm just putting this here so I can move it easier to Discipline Under Fire.

Well, if I wasn't already concerned about my skirt riding up. And I admit, I'm going to have to go home and change quickly before my chiropractic appointment. But the new office worker got snarky about it. Evidently, she was told off about the length of her skirt or dress by our supervisor. Send me home, but I'm not coming back. If it comes to that.

Looked up my assignments last night and that relieved my aniexty. The page counts on what is due next week don't feel as bad.

Due dates:
ENGL-575 Research proposal and working bibliography (1 - 2 pages) due Oct. 17th
ENGL-611 Research project (Bibliographical essay, 3 - 4 pages) due Oct. 20th
ENGL-611 Presentation on Jonson (assuming we are still doing this, 15 min.) due Oct 20th
ENGL-575 First draft (8 - 10 pages) due Oct. 31st
ENGL-575 Presentation on Hyungji essay (15 min.) due Nov. 21st
ENGL-575 Revision of First Essay due Nov. 21st
ENGL-575 Precis (1 - 1 1/2 pages) due Nov. 28th
ENGL-575 Final project presentation due Dec. 5th
ENGL-611 Major paper (due date not finalizied, 10 pages) due Dec. 8th
ENGL-575 Final Draft (15 - 20 pages) due Dec. 12th
ENGL-611 Major paper (due date not finalizied, 10 pages) due Dec. 15th
Acadiana Faire Resouce Guide 2006 (rough estimate will be revised) due Feb. 1st
Zy's Novel due Oct. 10, 2006

Course I didn't bring any of that to work on really. That's what I get for trying to pack at 4am.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Monday, October 10, 2005

Home finally

Finished the resource guide, went to class, tried a new quiz.


"You thrive on balance in all aspects of your
life. You have a great deal of passion and when
it comes to love, you like to play games. You
have a tendency to search for something better,
a search which always seems to come up short.
You have difficulty finding satisfaction in
life, but you have a great ability to get along
with almost anyone."

. : : Which Astrological Planet are You? : : . [10 Gorgeous Pics!]
brought to you by Quizilla

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Won't do that again

I skipped my five minutes yesterday. I was good and didn't write here, but I was also snappy and irritable all day. Only compounded by the fact that I didn't finish the resource guide and Mom's covert criticism. Maybe she thinks she's making conversation, but I really don't need the run down of everything I'm slacking on like oh yardwork and housekeeping. Not when I tell you I'm working. But her opinion of sitting in front of the computer all day is colored by Dad who just plays games. Of course, I'm not working. I'm just writing and that's just playing too.

Otherwise, she's a very nice woman and very supportive as long as I keep her in the dark about my actual ambitions.

On housekeeping: a blog post from Laurie King did give me an idea.
Which means that since January, the house has not had any attention to speak of. Oh, it’s been kept tidy and clean, largely in part to the cleaning lady I hired eighteen months ago after finally deciding that yes, it might be a sin to depend on someone else to clean, but it was a minor sin, and at least I could walk across the floor without my feet sticking to something. And besides, she has a kid to support.

The last time I got any housekeeping support like that was when I hired Savannah about three years ago before she got sick. I couldn't afford it, so I had to go back to my haphazard care taking.

But finances aren't as tight as they were then. And when I view spending a little to actually get my weekends back to do yardwork, writing, craft projects, sewing, remodeling, and to actually force myself to deal with my paper piles rather than just piling. "She'll need to dust this, I better put these is the filing cabinet. Or I don't want anybody to read this, better put it away." I came to the conclusion long ago that not every woman is a domestic goddess, specifically me. I only do it because I'm afraid of making myself or my cat sick and I like having company over. That being said, it's still going to be completely unacceptable to actually hire somebody. Mom will lay on the money guilt trip. I can't afford it. I do need to get the car insurance straightened out, but I think it's a question of can I afford not to hire?

Well, it's one of those rare federal holidays that we have to work. So there probably won't be much job related that I have to do. I packed enough to keep busy, so that's not an issue.

I read this article Mez recommended, I will be incorporating some of his ideas, and I've also been reading Holly Lisle's advice. Which leads me to the question which to concentrate on: short stories or novels?

I have short story ideas, but I really fail with researching markets. Novels take longer, but have a longer shelf life so to speak. I know you can make money off of short stories but you have to hustle, and hustling is what I suck at. I have some stories planned for specific markets, but otherwise no drive to actually work on them. However I'm wanting to pick up with Zy's novel again. I think she's got potentiality to become a series character.

I guess it is less of a question than I thought. Course I haven't had a chance to work on the outline for Zy's novel, and work computer can't download anything on it. Well I have homework to concentrate on first.

Deadline Projects: ENGL-575 assignments, ENGL-611 assignments, Acadiana Faire's resource guide, and Zy's novel.

Due dates:
ENGL-575 Research proposal and working bibliography due Oct. 17th
ENGL-611 Research project (Bibliographical essay?) due Oct. 20th
ENGL-611 Presentation on Jonson (are we still going to do this?) due Oct 20th
ENGL-575 First draft due Oct. 31st
ENGL-575 Presentation on Hyungji essay due Nov. 21st
ENGL-575 Revision due Nov. 21st
ENGL-575 Precis due Nov. 28th
ENGL-575 Final project presentation due Dec. 5th
ENGL-611 Major paper (due date not finalizied) due Dec. 8th
ENGL-575 Final Draft due Dec. 12th
ENGL-611 Major paper (due date not finalizied) due Dec. 15th
Acadiana Faire Resouce Guide 2006 (rough estimate will be revised) due Feb. 1st
Zy's Novel due Oct. 10, 2006

Though I have decided that one day a week is dedicated to something without a deadline. Especially with the previous resource guide I was driving myself batty after months of looking at nothing else. I reserve the time for fun now before I get started. Now let me get started reading so I can get started typing above and beyond what's due.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Halloween costume

Taking a break from scanning resource guide pictures to actually type something, which will probably need to be cross posted in the Garb Closet.

I thought about redoing the Eowyn refugee dress, or make any of the others. But then I haven't copied myself once in five Halloweens. All of Chad's suggestions were good--if I had a group to participate at work. I don't, and they know they're party poopers.

So I decided to jump ahead and work on Christine de Pizan. I already have the prop. "I am Christine de Pizan, perhaps you have read my book?" I want to do it anyway, it's on my list, I should be able to breath if I make it right. And if I'm needed to play on a medieval street, I'm ready to go.

Here's a page from a costumer who has done Christine de Pizan. That is the color scheme on all the illuminations you find of her, so it will be mine as well.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Friday, October 07, 2005

And I'm not through yet

But if the pile of notebooks, papers, books and cat theat's on my desk fall on me it will probably end my night will quick.

I've stuck to my guns, you're from me now because it was the first chance I had to spend five minutes on fiction. Chad is trying to encourage me to spend longer, I will go back once I'm finished with the Resource Guide. That's the goal for this weekend. I'll probably need to kill my mother or pretend I don't exist.... If I had a laptop I think I would run away from home which is sad really. But I'm trying not to dwell on that.

Savannah's funeral was today. It went well. If there will be more fireworks from it and complex family relations remains to be seen. Eventually I'm going to have to write on this family drama if just to get some healing closure for myself through fiction. I don't think it's going to happen soon. I'm too close to the material.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Blog changes

Well you may have to scroll down to see it. Yes, the pretty technicolor graphs. Brighten up the place, don't they?

It's all Mez's fault, but in a good way. I NEED to be in my own face with everything on the list. Maybe I should move them up, though I kind of hate messing up with the archive and recent posts lists now that they seem to be working how I want them to. I added them to Discipline Under Fire too.

I know I can't work on everything at once (as tempting as that maybe). Well, everything but the submissions list. So don't be surprised if it takes a while for one of the graphs to show some actual movement. Now how to graphically represent submissions?

I'm also going to try not writing to this blog until I have typed at least five minutes on a story. I'm working my way up slowly, and trying to keep it short enough not to get in trouble at work. I'll be posting my daily progress at Discipline Under Fire, but don't be surprised if I change projects. Today starting this, I had to work with what I had with me at work--not necessarily the first thing I need to be working on. The commute will continue to be whatever my brain latches onto and doesn't get me in a wreck.

Yep, I kept fanfiction off the list. Hard but not hard, in a way. I've been commuting to those worlds for so long now it's a well worn route. Especially compared to trail blazing to a new story. It's lazy, but there you have it. I have a lot of lazy tendencies, so it's no surprise I have one in writing too. But right now I need to concentrate on the hard and get over this slump I have.

It's almost lunchtime and I've got to get the resource guide finished this week. So toodles. One more question though: should I turn on the comments in Discipline Under Fire? I was going through a negative period when I started it and didn't want to lash out at anyone. Now I doubt that I'll ever be in a spot for any kind of feedback, so I'm thinking about it. I could always turn off comments on posts I'm not ready to hear anything about.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Writing demons?

I have reread my entire blog trying to find a book with dealing with writing demons. I thought it was Page After Page, but I can't find it. Maybe I copied it on the computer. I didn't check there. It would help if I could remember the title of the book.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Monday, October 03, 2005

Savannah Sharp

Date of birth: January 6, 1988

Date of passing: October 3, 2005 4:07 p.m.

This is the last picture I have of her. Taken sometime in April or May.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Enough for today

hey, I don't blame you if you don't want to read the previous post. If I'm going to embrace the angst I should embrace the angst. Or does that just fuel it.

Regardless, it looks like I finally have a HOME link. I only worked on it most of the day Friday. Though I think it only works when you go to the separate page post. Better than the nothing I had before.

I've wasted lunch hour regardless. Do the paying job junk and then typing madly on the resource guide.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Don't stop; can't stop...

and I wonder why I'm so tired all the time?

I should also know to wait to read anything as contentious as fanfic writing opinions before all my brain cells are awake. Yes, I did read the link, and valid points are made on both sides. Did reading it change anything about how I view fanfiction and the writing of it? Nope. I wrote original first and will write it last. But I only put my best efforts on the Internet, and that goes for both. I hope I can take Bradley and Lackey's view of playing when it turns around on my writing.

Last update I had on Savannah was yesterday: they did lastik on her to get rid of the fluid build up from her non-functioning kidneys. The stomach port for nutrition is in and stable. Parents decision, they decided feeding her wasn't part of the live support Savannah said she didn't want. I can't stay around the Sharp side of her family for very long. My jaw will unlock and will tell them off. They want to try all life-support because "people come out of comas all the time." First off, you people didn't even spend anytime with Savannah to learn what she felt about life support. Second, coma, persistant vegitative state, whatever Terry Schivo had wrong with her is not the same thing as organ functioning stopping. To compare those cases with Savannah's case is delusional hope. I know they're hurting too, so I just walk away.

How true is it that I thrive on stress? Not very I guess. I miss Chad like hell, and turn into screaming shrew woman when I do get time with him. The movies were fun, feeling like a real date. Being cranky and screaming over a stupid "what's wrong with the system" conversation hardly says I love you. I don't know how to stop doing it. Hell, I don't even know why I picked up that behavior out of all others from my father, especially how much I hate it in him. Okay, now I just hope that I'm super tired and just over analyzing it like I always do.

Meanwhile, along with my cousin is dying and there's nothing you can do demon, the social system is all fucked up and I want to do something and there's nothing I can do demon, and the dysfunctional girlfriend who doesn't deserve a boyfriend to yell at demon, I have all the evil writing related demons bashing me and fueling my yelling hysterics. It's almost enough to make me wish I was a weepy hysteric instead. Crying seems like so much more normal reaction than burning rage. And with as much analysis as I put into how I feel, I don't understand why I'm having such a block with literary criticism. Screw it, I'm not reading all that (the assignment for today) in one frickin' day. I'll wow her with the paper.

September 30 analysis written in a notebook:
the car ride home and it's time for my daily reflection to the sounds of Metallica and San Francisco Orchestra; gotta love the S&M album.

So what's bothering me today besides the pinched nerve in my neck and lack of sunglasses (I figure they're in my black bag on the back seat I must empty it someday)? Same thing bothering me every ride home, Pinky. My writing career.

I had a productive day today for nonfiction. Deadlines and slack work time are a blessing. That thing called sleep probably isn't going to happen this weekend. I'd be having a typing marathon [didn't happen I ended up at the hospital with my cousin], up early to get Chad [sorta happened with a lousy definition of "early"], put in toilet [actually we got this one accomplished! Now we just have to find the tiny leak on it], finish typing [stop laughing this is my delusional-ish self-reflection], two movies [both were very good escapism which I desperately needed by that point], taking Chad back [I finally got to type at his mother's]; you get the idea what my weekend looks like.

Anyways, productive for nonfiction. My car time, when not spent in self-reflection, has been useful for a TMNT fanfic experiment--which I think is just an excuse by me to not deal with transitions--and for a revision rewrite of the prologue for my webcomic idea. I'm thinking I can offer it for sale on my website if it's good enough. No just cause I don't intended it for magazine sales doesn't mean it can be substandard. The two or three short story ideas for magazines have been holding stagnant, and I want to work on Zy's novel again. But I've still been productive.

Yet it doesn't feel productive. I'm tired all the time and can't justify spending time on housework or homework, much less writing. SLU English Department is starting a writing group meeting at 3pm. Everything they do is in the fucking middle of the day. I know I need to yell louder to have my needs met as a student, but trying, but trying to raise enough energy throught the demons yelling that their lack of sympathy is just proof that I'm not part of the group and will always be exiled. Never hired, never a member of the group with a valid opinion. Outsider wanting to be part of the cool crowd once again. [Most of this brought on by Thursday night drama that left me with equal parts of "I'm supposed to have something in common with these people" and "grow up already." Added to the residual disappointment over the job opportunity.]

Look don't tell me it's stupid feeling that way even slightly. I know it's stupid. But I also can't help thinking it when I'm depressed over the fact Chad and I were supposed to be in classes at the same time this semester and here I am eating alone while everyone else is in that happy bliss of college life and my classes suck and the only think I'll probably get out of them is which 17th century writer make good quotes. And add to that I will never get away from the soul-sucking commute cause the job employment gods hate me. Fun being in my head isn't it? [No, I really don't expect that to have a positive answer.]

What's wrong with me? I'm not even sure if a writing group will help. Forward Motion just added to my stress. I read a rant by Scott Kurtz in how he found his creative spark and hasn't missed a day of PvP since. I want that. Desperately.

I should go reexamine Heather Sellers advice on dealing with demons and calling the muse back. And I better do it soon before I have a nervous breakdown over my writing career.

Yeah, I made up my mind after that to pull a marathon typing sessions coupled with some self-help reading and delivery pizza. And my parents called just as I was eating my first slice.

My first conclusion from rehashing this is I need a good grounding and a nap. In more long term help I found this advice today from Carolyn Hax:
Your best chance of finding peace with others is to make some peace with yourself, by accepting a less-than-perfect aspect of your personality, making the best use of it, being careful not to take it out on others, using all this as a way to like your less-than-perfect self -- and then letting your critics love it or leave it.

Yeah that last bit is something I need to work on. Along with dealing with my residual outcast back-lash. I don't need everyone to love me, just the ones I know already do.

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The BookWorm