After a particularly nasty blow-up Sunday night, I haven't been off sulking. I've been working as the improving word counts show (though I do think I'm off on the weekly, must remember to bring back to 0 next Sunday). And I've been thinking of the best way to phrase things. That's been writing down a lot of top level thoughts as they floated through my brain and seeing where they led. Because I'm not trying to be defensive about other people's observations (no point when they're true), I'm not trying to stay stuck in bad habits, I'm not trying to justify or excuse bad habits, and I realize whatever I say will sound like all of the above. Damned, no matter what I do or say.
The biggest issue is feeling that way and brooding over it. Letting it invalidate everything I am or could be. So why do anything and the drama queen comes out full-force. Ugh, I am so tired of feeding here, which leads me to try this full disclosure route. Then maybe it will be possible to see that I'm "hanging on in quiet desperation" over a foot-high drop. (The Pink Floyd quoting was intentional.)
Not only is it an epiphany on finally getting fed up with my own head space, I started consulting the Tarot cards. I respect the cards more as a clarification tool than divination. First stop was Googling to see if there was free online Tarot readings. I found http://www.facade.com/tarot/ and found new pretty decks and new spreads. (Not brave enough to try the Lovecraft themed one. First problem, the theme. Second problem, bought a LoTR themed desk and loved the divisions of the book plot and characters into the Major and Minor Arcana. HATE the artwork. Made Eowyn a bimbo and put shoes on the hobbits. But digressing...)
The first spread I tried out was Shadow Truth, good at providing insight into your attitudes and hidden feelings. The card in the what you cannot confront space was the Emperor: "Worldly authority. Professional success. Social power." Now why those things scare me to the point I'd rather quit writing than face them, that still hasn't been answered. The fact I recognized the fear in myself took the card answers in a different direction.
By the time I got home Monday and laid out my decks, my focus had changed to how-the-hell-do-I-get-out-of-this-mess. So it made more sense that Death was in the where you are now slot and forces against you was the Chariot. The desires category is a good summation why:
Death: Feel you can't go on with status quo and want things to change radically.
Chariot: You don't know what you should do or where you are going and are afraid of losing control. You want to force a resolution, but don't know how.
The overall spread was very hopeful. It will all turn out okay; if you don't give up, change your reaction to events, and be self-confident, self-reliant, and continue to direct your energy to your work.
Hence the week long concentration on work, which was enabled by the drama queen getting the stuffing knocked out of her.
Now that we've covered the Tarot again proves scary accurate topic, let's move onto other thoughts.
Believe in myself. - Somewhen along the way, I lost faith in me. Without examining too closely, I think I've been stuck in the "You Suck" Scripts off and on for the better part of the past year. And the off time spent avoiding anything that would trigger it.
Good news appears to be, realizing this has not triggered any guilty reflexes nor drama queen histrionics.
Good at visualization and stuck in "you suck" scripts = creating worse case scenarios? - I think this is pretty damn likely. Which leads to the next thing I need to always remember:
Life isn't rotten, I'm not rotten; the situation is the only thing rotten and it will get better.
I've tried the stay-at-home, do-nothing-but-write, and I wasn't happy. - I believe there is a balance between being a recluse and being too busy to work. I also know I'm really bad at finding it. Scheduling does help, but only if I schedule sanely.
Don't yell at me for following the schedule. - It's not a perfect schedule and I can't always put fiction first, but right now I'm putting a lot of thought into it and trying hard to stick to it. Yelling at me that I should be doing something else only makes me go: "what's the point." And that soon leads to me trying to do everything I have to do in one day 15 minutes each project in a rotation. That only works with housework.
Alt. BM Site is a karmic debt. - I don't expect anyone to understand why I feel indebted to a fictional universe but I'm paying it forward. It won't last forever. Realize it seems like forever and it's only driving me crazy because when am I online? Weekends. When am I scheduled to work on it? Weekends. And who has been working on it for hours and is frustrated beyond belief by the time everyone gets on to talk to her on the weekend? Me! It's not a fair representation of the rest of my life is all I'm saying. And with a little patience and a whole lot of luck, I'll be done with the update soon and can ignore it for another year.
And I need more sleep at night. - Well, that's a given and an almost constant state.
And that's it. Tune in next time for my thoughts on Doctor Who
There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at: http://www.acadianafaire.org/