Yeap, I'm admitting. A totally bad week, and while I do regret my outburst, a chunk of my discontent needed to be aired. Now to get the boyfriend in one location long enough to discuss it.
While admitting things, I totally flopped on doing any real work, could only manage enough oomph to get to the paying job and discovered that Yoga takes away my homicidal rage.
That's the part of all this that frightens me. I don't consider myself a violent person; if I fight it's because I have to. But to have fantasies of knocking someone's teeth down their throat when they have done nothing to deserve that... sometimes I fear I'm going to go on a postal rampage. And this would be the cue for the guilt-ladden part of the irrational phase.
But I'm not going to give into to it. I fucked up, but it's not the end of the world and I'm not going to Hell because of it. The boyfriend is still talking to me--even though the methods of communication are strained due to circumstances out of our control. I didn't kill anyone. The worst thing to happen is I didn't work on anything and my schedule is now more behind. What else is new, I'm always behind.
What is more disturbing is my lack of focus. What has been bothering me in a way I could not define--suffering from the lack of focus--and Mez put her finger on it and hit me with a sledgehammer. It doesn't really matter when it started, though I could probably trace back the evolution from mentions in my blog posts. I have to fix it now.
One of Mez's good idea is to claim another office space. My campus library offers study carrels, but I didn't know you had to apply each semester. We're going into the third week of the summer semester; they might not have any left. Which will mean a new plan, but I will worry about that after I'm denied. The Tangipahoa Parish library doesn't offer any private space, but I don't know what the new Springfield/Albany branch of the Livingston Parish library offers. If all else fails, find a coffee shop. But I need a place where I can set up one thing and only one thing and work on it.
Second observation actually came from me. I practice Feng Shui in my home (I probably need to export it to my paying job cubicle too, but that's another project) and a big warning sign is clutter. Clutter stiffles chi (the vital energy of the universe that connects all things both inanimate and animate), can and create sha (negative energy). Since the outer environment influences the body and mind, it can create or reflect illness in the body and unhealthy attitudes in the mind.
Go ahead and say hogwash and get it out of the way. But if you replace chi and sha with psycho-babble, what do you get?
Now for the evidence: inside my home office.
The north wall, not too bad. Books and binders are shelved. Files in the file drawers are labeled and not crowded to the point of exploding out.
The west wall more specifically, the front of the computer. The tape player for the stalled tape transfer project. Papers and reference books for the website update projects.
Corner of the desk as we move to the south wall. You can see more of the papers for the website updating projects.
The south wall view. The stacks and box of tapes for the tape transfering project. Mail that I haven't dealt with. More papers and a binder on the website updating projects.
My way out on the south side. Stacks of books that need to be entered and shelved. More notes and papers pulled out for some project I must still be working on otherwise I would have put them back. The stack of plastic boxes is papers to file or scan project.
The east wall. The table that should be free for me to lay stuff out on is covered with papers and my meal plan binder.
End of the circle. I'm not sure where the bag should go, but it doesn't belong here.
Two pics from the outside of the desk. Most of this stuff is for the scanning project.
I surround myself with multiple projects and then wonder why I can't commit to working on just one. For the body connection, the office is in the center of my house. If you overlay a stick figure with it's head in the main doorway, the office area corresponds with my torso. And all of my fat that I need to lose is on my torso.
Saturday is supposed to be my day off, and I will have to spend time with Atticus and the rest of the family. At the same time, I need to make massive headway and banish the clutter. So I'm going to concentrate on scanning today and only scanning to decrease the piles.
There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at: http://www.acadianafaire.org/