I don't blame anyone if they don't read the following. I had to vent.
My writing process, maybe I should give it some deeper thought. Constantly daydreaming plots and characters hasn’t changed, but I remember sitting down no matter where and writing. Now it is too easy to be distracted from the page, to get out of the chair to do anything else, can’t write until the deadline pressure explodes. Why did it change? How do I get it back?
If I’m writing constantly in my head, which is what I feel the daydreams are, and I hear the words in my head before typing them, why do I have such a disconnect with putting it on paper? Once I get going, it’s smooth. It’s not like I’m gnawing on a pen or keyboard because the words won’t come. I do stop and reread when I don’t hear anything else in my head. I just noticed that with writing this. I’m playing with objects on my desk because I don’t know where to take this response next.
Maybe I like stressing myself out over my writing? In a weird way, that almost makes sense. Could I have addicted myself to stress? Is that even possible? I don’t want to think it is possible, but maybe it is a variation of the busy drug, the procrastination buzz. Maybe it’s time to start a new schedule. (A little voice in my brain just went ugh, that never works.) And it’s right, I’m notorious for making and then break schedules. But I want the writing practice Natalie Gold… (Had to stop to look up her name) Goldberg. I want less ego-centric head trips. So why does the doing step always break apart? I don’t think I’m a flighty mess, so why do I keep acting like one?
And why does this examination of how I write become a moan session about my lack of discipline? I’m afraid the answer to that is because my work habits affect how I write, and I don’t feel I have been writing. It’s not true: I just finished eight cooking show scripts (that I should have had done last month), the lesson plan and the mini-lesson plan assignments, and revised the old Dante paper (but apparently not enough) within the past two weeks. I have been ignoring the fiction, and that makes me feel like a horrible, non-committed writer.
I’m not a horrible person and I can do the practice everyday at lunch until it becomes a habit. Free writing for five minutes starting today.
Good news, I did get the five minutes in and feel pretty good about it. Now to more structured writing.
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