Now I’m at a safe place to look back at last week. The week was cruising along, had worked in an exercise routine into my schedule, needed to work in more progress on my writing and editing, two appointments one for the doctor on Thursday and with the CCFairy on Friday. I got invited to a Pampered Chef party and was considering going. So far my next paycheck forecasted a surplus that I should save for my birthday trip and emergency fund, but I could spare $20 on the microwave rice cooked that I’ve had on my wish list for a long time.
Go home Wednesday night and find out that one of my creditors wants to sue me in small claims court over the remaining balance and my inability to pay it. Okay, fine, I still don’t have the money. Also amused by the irony of the amount that is so out of my reach right now only qualifies as worthy of small claims court’s time. I’m ticked off at the marshal who handed my private papers to my parents. I have a meeting with the CCFairy on Friday and hopefully we can get this settled without undue hardship on me.
After that, the second invitation came through Facebook: a free women’s safety seminar for 6pm next Thursday. And my first thought is: “Can’t go! Can’t got ot Pampered Chef either! YOU CAN’T GO!” in the most seething, angry inner voice I have. If it could have separated from my body to beat me up, it would have. As it was, it knocked me back enough from my worries to ask “what the hell?”
The projected surplus hadn’t changed, because it won’t make a dent in what I owe to the creditor. But immediately my mindset is I’m a bad rotten person who should be locked up at home to not get in trouble with money. Brain points out that it’s not free because I would have to eat and spend gas to get to the seminar. I don’t deserve money spent on me. Come straight home and don’t do anything.
That night I went to bed thinking this was my coping mechanism to avoid temptation. I woke up Thursday to a muscle knot where the stress always goes and the idea that I’m grounding myself because I need to be punished over my bad with money. “What the hell” has now become “why do I do this to myself?”
Thursday, I got confirmation that I had maintained my current health even with going off my meds for a few months. I’m back on them and wondering if I should go back off them again. :p
Friday, CCFairy swooped in with an emergency loan to cover the other and kick the judgment off me credit report. I signed up for the credit union’s credit counseling service so I can’t make any financial moves without talking them over with the CCFairy. No arguments from me, since that was my goal at the beginning of the year. I did bring up the punishment insight and admitted I have no idea what to do with it.
I still don’t, but I’m leaning towards accepting the invitations. I double checked my next paycheck forecast and I think I can afford to go to both and not reach the point of can’t pay a bill. That’s where I am today, minus the running around I have to do to actually pay the creditor off. And my mouth is a little sore still since I got the new bridge put in Saturday.
This week: I need to stop typing up blog posts and work on my fiction. ;) I also have to squeeze in sewing time at home. Yeah, I finally feel like sewing again. :D