Okay, this was supposed to be a day to finish a couple of personal projects and noodle with my brain on more important things. Of course, my supervisor called me to help edit the step-by-step procedures for the office that lasted all day today. Now my brain is mush but still begging for the resolution promised by the noodling process. So if this noodling is less than entertaining, it’s because my brain still hurts from having to remember everything my office does.
Right, so to start with the nebulous problem. State of writing and what future it holds. Let me make this clear to myself: I am a writer. I have been a writer since I was eleven-years-old and decided that a haunted house story in which the ghosts are resurrected was a good idea. I haven’t stopped since. Since I started keeping sporadic (but the best so far) track in May 2006, I have written a grand total of 137,375 words. Now that’s divided between fiction, non-fiction, homework assignments, and blog posts. And I know I haven’t counted the words of every blog post. Though the division may have contributed to my feeling lack of focus and discipline. My mind is not as nimble as it once was, but it is probably just tired.
And the sneering argument that publishing marks a true writer doesn’t hold up (part of me doesn’t believe it, part of me was influenced by my family not believing I was a writer until I won a cash prize) because I have been published. Other people besides friends and family have validated my writing.
- Second place in Creative Writing for State Beta Club Convention in 1995.
- Eighth place in Creative Writing for National Beta Club Convention in 1995.
- Six stories published in Argus, Northwestern’s literary magazine from 1995 to 1999.
- Second place in Gargoyles Gathering short story contest in 2001.
- Ghostwriting an EBook in 2006.
- “The Gingerbread Girl” published on a paranormal blog in February 2007.
- Educator’s Guide for Acadiana Medieval Faire 2006, 2007, and 2008 seasons.
- People still voting for me to continue the Writing Tutorials.
- Well-behaved fans who devour fanfics I write and then beg for more.
I can bloody well write, you inner doubting Thomas!
However, I don’t earn an income from my writing. It may be debatable that money is the route of all evil, but it certainly is the root of a lot of my issues. While going through Suze Orman’s financial exercises, I realized I cannot have a life without a steady paycheck. The only way I can even conceive of it being possible is if I get a huge sum of money that I can pay off all my debts, then conservatively invest, and live off the dividends. And since I’m having issues with submitting and don’t play the Powerball very often, the odds of that happening are not in my favor. So let’s rule quitting the paying job to write full time or start my own business out.
I severely internalized the lesson “unemployment is bad” from my childhood, even though I don’t think of my childhood as deprived. I also think that the warnings of how hard it is to succeed in writing got twisted by the financial child in me as “CODE RED! SHE’S TRYING TO FUCK UP HER LIFE! STOP HER! STOP HER!” So I finish the first draft of something, and never edit. I tell myself to go research markets and never end up at a library. I promise to work on original fiction and finish by the deadline, and blow it to work on fanfic. Constantly beating myself up, telling myself I will change and find my groove again, and nothing changing because I didn’t know where the problem was really stemming from.
Writing has never been a problem once I get started. But getting started was an issue. It hasn’t been lately, but I have been focusing on the Educator’s Guide and now the latest fanfic. So what I brought up earlier about divided focus, I think it related to the brain issues brought up with GTD. The brain cannot multi-task. The brain will try to remember everything it ever thinks of if you don’t have a trusted method. I have my story idea box, notes in binders and notebooks, and the list of what I want to work on—but my brain still goes into overload with what I
should be doing. Because I should be working on original fiction and stop wasting time with fanfics.
Except that this view isn’t how I used to feel about my stories. It used to be that what I wanted to write I blitzed through the first draft. The most multi-tasking I did was editing one story while starting the next first draft, but I always picked something I wanted to work on no matter what it was. This “no not fanfics right now” is recent and I think I have imposed an outside view on myself.
The truth is I want to finish my Biker Mice series. I’m sucked into the universe quite badly and I want to usher it to the end I envisioned. At the same time, I want to be ethical about it. I will not make a profit off the fanfics. Ad revenue on the Library’s website would cover costs only. I won’t sell the experience of reading my fanfics. The right holders are nice enough to let me play, and I won’t fuck with that.
Which leads to the financial woes portion of the noodling. I have halfway good news; I was approved for the student signature loan for this semester by the lender. Now we’re waiting for SLU to finish their end. I figure I’m going to give them until Wednesday (which really isn’t fair because of the Mardi Gras holiday but hell I have to work on Monday, you should to) before bugging financial aid. (I don’t need to fill anything out on your end, the original paperwork still good? And I’m getting the remainder, right? Because I won’t be responsible for my actions if you tell me you’re sending it back to the bank.) So optimistically, I should get the STEF in place, pay off my parents (and get that off my guilt trip button), buy the dishwasher, and widen the monthly expenses a smidge—i.e. getting closer to what I really spend so I don’t dip into the STEF. But I can’t count on it until I actually get it.
And thanks to my good fortune not to have to buy classes in the Fall semester, I have nothing to fall back on in August should the summer budget explode in my face. So unless I managed to get rich selling the stuff I don’t want, that means a second paying job. Something I have pushed to the absolutely-last-thing-I-do-to-get-on-financial-stable-footing place. Convergys scarred me and with my commitments, it’s hard to work a part-time into my schedule. And it will kill the time for writing even more.
So make writing the second paying job. I wrote it down in a brainstorming other income streams session. Then Holly Lisle started “another way to earn writing income” advice column soon after. She recommended a course by Jimmy D. Brown, and I was a little unnerved (if that’s the proper word for the emotion I felt) to find out that the writing tutorials I did for free was what he would considered the basis for making money. And what I write to sell on the Internet doesn’t stop me from selling other stories to mainstream markets. So it works, and it sidesteps my impatience. The few times I managed to submit, the wait was horrible. By the time I got the rejection was the time I figured the Post Office ate it and the editor never saw it.
There is an opportunity to spend money that I hadn’t planned on spending to further getting paid for writing goal. Oh now it’s a goal, noodling process helpful. I didn’t even know it was a real goal when I started. But that flies in the face of what I’m trying to accomplish with the budget. *headdesk*
So here I am and at an indecision. Still. I’m on page three of this and no decision. I know I want to change my monthly and weekly totals and start reaching them repeatedly. And I want to earn money. But do I spend the money at this point? Do I do it on my own or do I pay to learn what someone already uses?
I want to write fanfics and I want to write original fiction and I probably need to write more nonfiction, but I need to keep myself from having a divided focus. For an exercise in psychoanalyzing myself, this isn’t completely helpful. I thought I’d have my game plan done by this point. Instead, I’m scared of making the wrong decision and losing money.
I’m scared of making the wrong decision.
I don’t like being wrong, and I have a tendency to dwell on my mistakes. I try to let that go when I realize I’m doing it, but I think my brain has come up with another way to avoid the problem. Put the decision in limbo and no wrong decision is made. I don’t know if I’m peeved or impressed with myself now. *headdesk*
Make a decision. Make deadlines. Make changes to habits. No Fear.
Read Free!
The BookWorm
There is a
new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the
Acadiana Medieval Faire at:
http://www.acadianafaire.org/
