Officially in Burnout

Date Started: March 19, 2026
Date Finished: March 29, 2026
Date Posted: April 4, 2026

My therapist called it in March 17th's session, but honestly I have been teetering on the verge of it for so long I don't remember what not burnout feels like. So confirmation basically and a call to action that my self-care to stave it off/cure it was not enough and I need to do more.

And by doing more I mean doing different and less.

There's a question after finding the above gif: what is the difference between a nervous breakdown and burnout?

Quick Google Search Later

Okay, a nervous breakdown renders an individual temporarily unable to function in daily life. A burnout is typically related to one's professional life and cumulative workplace stress. Probably because they measured professional caregivers but I didn't research that deep.

I'm still figuring out what I'm dropping or pushing back. My therapist suggested dropping down to three boulders or projects. Namely, I need to tweak Trello to figure that out. I did start rereading my notes on Laziness Does Not Exist and pulled out my copies of Dear Writer, Are You in Burnout? by Becca Syme and Burnout: the Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski DMA. They also have a workbook that I should get.

The Nagoskis' definition of burnout:

1. emotional exhaustion - the fatigue that comes from caring too much, for too long;
2. depersonalization - the depletion of empathy, caring, and compassion; and
3. decreased sense of accomplishment - an unconquerable sense of futility: feeling that nothing you do makes any difference

(page xi Burnout)

And they found those components from Herbert Freudenberger from 1975. It's older than I am. But they make the connection between burnout to all women because we have been indoctrinated with Human Giver Syndrome by the patriarchy. I learned about the Nagoskis' work through podcasts and ended up listening to their podcast The Feminist Survival Project, bought Burnout, and have continued listening to the Feminists Survival Project 2025, which expands on their work in the years since and under Trump 2.0.

So I'm not in a nervous breakdown because I can still function (get out of bed, get dressed, feed myself, go to work) but I am feeling those three components for sure.

Becca Syme I learned about from the author/writing podcasts. She's been on the Creative Penn Podcast twice (Dealing With Change And How To Build Resilience As An Author With Becca Syme and Loki Is In Charge. How Authors Can Thrive In A Time Of Transition With Becca Syme). Rachael Herron of Ink In Your Veins podcast raved about the results she had gotten from taking the CliftonStrengths test and the coaching Becca Syme offers. So I bought most of the books in her Dear Writer, series, took the CliftonStengths test, and followed Becca's Quitcast on YouTube.

I've read these previously back when I thought Trump 1.0 alone was the source of everything I was feeling or not feeling, not realizing what role family dynamics and trends picked up by society (If You Were Born Between 1976–1985, This Video Will Finally Make Sense of You) played on my self.

Tuesday, March 17: is when I had my meltdown while commuting and therapy session.

Wednesday, March 18: telling people about the burnout diagnosis and processing what I needed to do and change. I prioritized inserting meditation breaks into my work flow at the paying job on my therapist's recommendation. Trello also made some changes that I had to chip away at making while trying to figure out what my boulders are for March and April. My coworker with the broken leg came for a paperwork visit and will be out until May. Yeah, it was March and it got extended because of her health and that happened after my therapy appointment. My therapist flagged that I had probably hit one too many changes to cope with that contributed to pushing me over the burnout edge.

Ended the day shopping for Dad at Sam's Club.

Thursday, March 19: finished reformatting Trello and typing up this blog post. Told my supervisor about the burnout and what time changes I think I need (back to a 4/10s schedule). Supervisor took it to the deputy commissioner, so he has to make a decision about it now, but I will probably need to accept that I'm on 5/8's until May.

Friday, March 20: typed more of this blog post and worked on reorganizing my digital files, which was the first chance I had to work on them since the burnout reveal. Shopped at Sprouts, Walmart, Ross, and PetSmart for my shopping list with the goal of not leaving my house over the weekend.

Saturday, March 21: I listed out everything I had to do and everything I want to do. I have previously recognized that I only have eight hours of energy to give to the chores list that I use a timer method with and I try to keep the list in that range, but the list of everything filled up the entire page of a pad. And then I had to pivot to only doing chores and food prep to keep all the food I had bought and reset the kitchen. All of that on my plate so Sunday could be only what had to be done to stay alive and reading for my long-ass rest.

And I still said yes to taking Dad out to eat for supper, which I highly resented by the time that rolled around.

Sunday, March 22: I got distracted by Pinterest leading me to Uncommon Goods, so it took a while to settle back in the bed with the books. And I started writing more on this blog post.

My therapist wants me to narrow my projects. I need to make energy pennies to run myself and get out of burnout. My brain wants all the projects and already completed because of the Laziness Lie. I already know that's not possible but rereading those notes to jog that brain weasel's memory.

I color-coded my graph for the 24/7 Worksheet from Burnout. I do have 8 hours of sleep opportunity Monday - Friday as long as I go to bed at 8 p.m. It becomes 10 hours on Saturday and Sunday by extending my waking up to 6 a.m. I have to put 30 minutes of yoga every day on the schedule but will be stretching only to combat my tech neck and be a meditation session. I have two 90-minute blocks daily for chores, including grooming. Saturday is currently all chore time with yoga at the studio carved out, leaving Sunday full of active rest or just plain rest when not doing anything chore-like.

Dad's needs are not represented, which isn't accurate, but I can't cope with him if I don't put more rest into my schedule.

I did discover how necessary the meditation sessions are and how I have to guard against falling into my bad work habits. Tuesday, March 24, I had the whole day off from the paying job to deal with Dad's stuff and I used my free time to work on projects I haven't been working on for weeks and only had one meditation session and didn't take a nap. That was a mistake I will try not to repeat.

Also no eureka about how to shrink my projects yet. What are my projects? How do I shrink that list?

So trying to figure that out took the next week. Why did it take so long? Brain suffering with burnout doesn't run at full capacity. Not only do I have second shift after work with my chores, apparantly attentional residue (you never let go of a task because part of your brain is still managing it), and some fun third shift of anticipating what everyone around me needs before they need it and running mental simulations of how stuff may go. (YouTube: Psychology Of Xennials: Why You BURNED Out Before Anyone Noticed. My Trello board became a dumping ground of tasks on cards and how the hell to sort that?

I had to brain dump a couple of times, shuffle the cards on Trello, and kept looking for some advice on how to shrink the project list. Most of it was to focus on asking what serves the burnout sufferer's values and that's what the sufferer should prioritize.

Doing less is possible, majority of what I do aligns with my values, and that question doesn't help me decide what goes first. Because my poor foggy burned out brain says everything is equally important and I should have already finished it and moved onto the next thing on the treadmill. Oh, hello, Laziness Lie. You're not getting me to not rest. Rest is what I need.

What finally worked was realizing some things had external deadlines and I should prioritize based on the calendar and don't go above 7 items on the Big Rocks list. Seven has been that limit since last year, but I need to work in weekly check in so I actually see the number of Big Rocks go down each week.

Another thing that helped was realizing EVERYTHING I have to do can be categorized with:

• Constants = what has to be done to be functional human being.
• Deadlines = external due date that I need to remember
• No Deadline so just Nice-To-Do = most of what I'd rather be doing, hobby stuff, writing stuff, digital projects that will make my life easier but no external deadlines set by someone else or law

Constants need to be off the Big Rocks list. These are things like daily and weekly chores so my house doesn't become a sty, my health needs, and some of Dad's care-giving needs. Deadlines turned out to be the source of my OMG WHAT AM I FORGETTING THERE ARE THINGS I AM FORGETTING alarm that was not helping the burned-out brain recover.

Yeah, that's the one. So far, I have income taxes (April 15th) and refinancing my mortgage so I can remodel my house (May 31st). Both projects are big and scary enough to set off the alarm, and while the alarm wasn't helping me feel good, it was right that I needed to get cracking on them.

Nice-To-Do is a more cheerful way to identify the little and bigger projects that will be nice to have done, but don't impede my life at this point. Like finishing the rollout pantry. I can use it without the putty and painting it and buying the putty and primer has to wait on free money in the paycheck, so it goes here. Sadly, writing fic goes here too. And I have been focusing on this burnout research and consolidating it into this post when I have had writing time. I'm hoping now that it's done I can work on fic again.

Saturday, April 4: I finally got free time to post this post. So this is how March went.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Decision Fatigue, this is a thing?

Create a Decision-Free Closet to Reduce Decision Fatigue

Decision fatigue, this is a thing? As in there is a real reason why I can't face paying bills or writing or figuring out food for supper beyond crashing blood sugar and it's not just a manifestation of how worthless and unproductive I am as a human being on this planet? It's not laziness or worthlessness or any other derogatory term the Jerkbrain wants to come up with to experience contemptuousness over the rest of me? My brain is just TIRED, that's all, and that's not a fatal character flaw.

Luckily, my closet isn't the source of my decision fatigue since I've been using the Project 333 technique for a couple of years now. But this has implications for my 2016 schedule so I needed to put it down where I'll remember it.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Hot Bod Third Try Fifth Month Update

So I figured I maintained through the holiday season. I ate too many sweets and didn't exercise, but I also stuck to my dietary changes and took my medicine and supplements. My weight reached 174 pounds at Thanksgiving and then bumped back up to 178 by January 8th.

But human nature being what it is, all I could concentrate on was what bad I had done. My bloodwork was done on January 2nd and I kept my expectations so low.

A1C = 5.5
Fasting blood glucose = 91

My endocrinologist was ecstatic. "Your A1C hasn't been that low since 2007." He didn't change any medication and I decided to bring that up when my A1C hits 4.x.

I'm not out of the woods yet. My cholesterol numbers show a high amount of inflammation in my body, so my next appointment with Dr. Jessica will start working on that. And my goal for this three-day weekend is to clean and set up yoga so I can do it easily when I get home.

Another side effect is my Jerkbrain/Fear Monger seem to have taken a permanent vacation. On January 1st I finished The Wayne Legacy's rough draft and looked around my office for what to tackle next. "Stellar Gift of Death's edits" and then I cringed waiting for the jerkbrain to start attacking me for letting that project go for so long.

All was blissfully silent in my head.

And I was absolutely flabbergasted. Don't get me wrong, I've been worried over the ferocity of the attacks to myself, the anxiety over submissions to the point where not working on original fiction was easier, and the growing thin-skinned-ness I've had over fandom wonk that used to roll off my back. I poked again. "Edit to a second draft and hire an editor for ebook publication." Nothing from the jerkbrain amid the excitement to be back in that universe again. Now it is possible to combat one's jerkbrain, but I haven't done any of that work. I just wrote fanfiction and started dietary changes that I detailed in Intentionally Left Blank: Hot Bod Third Try. The last time I remembered a jerkbrain outbreak was around September 4, 2014, when I was only fourteen days into the program.

The other piece of the puzzle was stumbling onto Epbot and reading her archive. This part from her A is for Agoraphobia post jostled back to the surface when I thought about how weird it was for my brain NOT to be screaming obscenities at me.

Next, I went to my doctor for a check-up. (Ergo that Halloween blood draw.) Since this next step will undoubtedly cause me more anxiety, I need the peace of mind that comes from a current clean bill of health. Not only that, there are several deficiencies that can cause increased anxiety: deficiencies of magnesium, potassium (both of which were critically low for me in the past), B vitamins, and even calcium.

Some of the same deficiencies I got worried about after reading Drug Muggers. Was my jerkbrain and the submission anxiety 95% biochemical?

I wish that was my only test, but last Friday I learned that my job may or may not be in jeopardy from the mid-year budget cuts that will force the Department of Insurance to layoff people. I don't feel like panicking nor is my back in knots. Boy, that was a case of not knowing how bad it was until it was over.

On a purely aesthetic note that I'm not using as a measure of anything, I bought new pants with Christmas gift cards and the three I bought are all 14s. I don't remember when I was last fit into a 14 anything. Now I just have to hem the suckers so I can wear them.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

I Need More Self-Correcting Clocks

Oh good, I don't have to be my mother's entertainment this weekend; Dad is coming too. *Sigh* I don't gamble, so what I get out of these trips is peace and quiet without my usual distractions to write. However, when I took Mom the last trip, I discovered that even when I gave her the television, had all my papers covering the table at the hotel window (best light), and was hunched over them with pen in hand, she still had to talk and talk and talk and TALK because I was THERE! She was supposed to be napping; she came back to the room to nap!

I love her, but Dad's ears will be there for her to yak to and I will be using the mp3 player and earphones to enforce my writing time. Hopefully, I'll avoid the papers-absorbing-cigarette-smoke this time.

This is one of those free association posts, but it will sound like I'm bashing the 'rents. I'm not, but… okay, here's the story. Dad came to me with a request earlier this week: to look up my grandfather's insurance policies and see what is what with them. To which, he didn't even have to finish the request because I was already giving the answer that we all have to give the public who is confused about what the Department of Insurance actually does. "We don't track what policies the citizens of Louisiana have bought; we regulate the companies and agents who sell the insurance." The spiel can get longer, but that's essentially what many people want and we can't it give them. So Dad's just as confused as many other citizens; no big deal.

Except… except, I've been working there twelve years come May. And you guys have never asked me about details so you know what I do and who I work for? I don't feel hurt, but rather a pull between two voices in my head once I had that realization. Voice One: *Shrug* Maybe the DOI should address how confused people are about what we do. Voice Two: Let it go. You know you're not the kid they give a shit about, so why are you even surprised? They don't know anything important to you and it's safer that way.

I know this is a situation to listen to Voice One. But Voice Two is inside me, and I'm more puzzled that I have this need to hide what's important to me and protect it from everyone.

Okay, enough serious shit this early in the morning. I have to go put my hours in on the paying job. I'm not looking forward to Daylight Savings Time this weekend either. I also need to review things I have read AND answer people's birthday wishes. Pete's sake, why is that making me freeze up?

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Hiatus Over

Thanksgiving is over. And the break between it and Christmas is probably the worst time to reestablish my groove, but I need to find balance again so my brain stops feeling like it must bounce around like a kangaroo on speed.

I'm prickly and grumpy and attempting not to take it out on anyone, which only fuels the itch to go find a punching bag and hit it. Violence, my default setting. That I'm pushing forward with changes is the true culprit and what the inner Beast wants to shred. Maybe I gave it too many changes today.

• Monday yoga routine
• New bra that I thought fit but it pokes me in the arm just like all the rest
• New purse that is a Christmas present but is fraying my last nerve because I can't keep it on my shoulder
• And I'm still annoyed that I left $20 worth of books I bought for me at my sister's in Texas!

*Inhale* Okay, admitting that has eased off the desire to claw at something. But it sucks that my first post in so long is bitchy and whiny.

• Despite not exercising, eating too much, and not measuring, I only gained three pounds since the last time I weight back in August.
• I finally found a website that explains why underwire bras stab me in the arm: I have a petite torso.
• I spent quality time with my family, especially my nephew.
• My coworkers told me how to fix my purse issue, so I can continue to use it without aggravation.
• My shoulder pain is finally clearing up enough to work out again.
• I worked out!

So why the hiatus? When I last posted I was attempting therapy with the Inner Committee on the whole fear of success issue. The therapy fell apart followed by the daily scheduled. Enough chores were avoided to cause a cascade effect on my life, which led to kangaroo brain on speed. Basically while I scrambled to keep up, I didn't want to blog about what a worthless failure I am. And the Inner Committee got off the hook and successfully avoided therapy for over a month.

I need to start it again because I had to be closing in on something uncomfortable for such an extreme reaction. Some time soon.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Tuesdays Are Slow

I'm glad/relieved somebody sees progress. From my POV, it feels like I've been stuck in the same place forever. Last night, I wrote a letter to that terrified kid inside me--a therapy tip I ran across somewhere. I wrote another one this morning. It's a work in progress to see if it'll pay off later.

Tuesdays are slow at the paying job, so I got an hour and 45 minutes of writing done there before adding 30 more minutes when I got home. I tried to make it a full hour, but after staying up late watching TV Monday night, I'm about to fall asleep at my standing desk now. I also finally decided on an Excel workbook to collate my alien language work since I can't update the TiddlyWiki. Still growly over that, mainly because it makes no sense and I was just getting used to the program.

Other accomplishments for today: I now have the Wins File in a readable format. I will soon have music on my new mp3 player so I'll test how it does in the car tomorrow. Now I am off to bed.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Reconciling What I've Learned

The weekend resulted being more introspective than I had planned. Friday's paying job portion of the day ended with a trigger setting off the Perfect Girl abuse in my head. Finally settled that down without casualties, and had a chat with the Muse in between blood work and dental appointments on Saturday. Sunday resulted in positive reinforcement.

All that mental work distills into two ideas. 1). Every writer's journey is different, and I hate my back seat driver (Perfect Girl). 2). (After the Muse and I stuffed the Perfect Girl into the trunk of the writing metaphor car), I need to reclaim the fun in creating to keep the Perfect Girl from messing with my writing life.

So my checklists. I make no secret that I need the checklists because otherwise I will forget continuously to do the chores I must do and my life with spiral out of control. But I also think that setting time limits/word count goals/quantitative control measures to prove I'm doing something have contributed to sucking the fun out of writing.

It also just occurred to me that the abuse tape loop in my head that I have labeled Perfect Girl was aided by the fact that I started writing so early. Nobody took it seriously because who takes an 11-year-old seriously. Writing is just you playing around and it's nothing serious and it will never be anything serious and why are you wasting so much time with it. Your sister won the young writer's contest never you; why are you still messing around with it and grow up. Soaking up the condescension like a good little sponge, ready to throw it back at myself with so much anger should I rise above myself. Yeah, I'm undecided about that insight.

Working with KanbanFlow, I'm allowed to have three projects open at a time. I like having a I wrote today marker, especially since I don't know when I'll start typing and will get word counts. I need time limits on some stuff, otherwise they'll turn into time-sucks or I'll avoid them because they feel unmanageable. The rewards system has successes in modifying my behavior, so I should continue using it (instead of letting Perfect Girl scream at me that I'm a failure for not vacuuming). Changes made:

• Add reward to dishes, it's too damn easy for me to ignore them.
• Replace the time details for writing and editing with "worked on Writing Project #1, #2, #3"
• Writing Projects #1, #2, and #3 get separate task blocks from the daily chores block, but I don't want to copy what I have set up on the Writing Projects Boards. So all I filled out was the name of the project, a due date, and how much time I have spent working on it. The last is to keep me from scheduling more into my day because it must be free if it's not already obligated. And yes, a due date because I don't want to waffle on my next steps or toss a project aside because I got scared. I want to work daily and consistently.

So far the changes look good, the test drive is for the rest of this week.

In other news: between appoints on Saturday, I found a new mp3 player in Office Depot of all places. I ended up going in just to kill time and already annoyed because all that I had found elsewhere were Apple products or not-Apple that played video. Not what I need. Office Depot had 2GB Polaroid mp3 player for $9.99. Doubled the storage space of my last one, will miss the built in flash drive, way cheaper than what I payed how many years ago?, have a FM tuner for the car and headphones already, so okay, next paycheck.

After my teeth were finished, I remembered that Office Depot had sent me rewards money to spend. It should cover the whole amount unless they have a rule that I must pay taxes out of pocket, so I don't have to wait.

Now I'm off to work on writing before the paying job sucks away my time.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Day of Rest Experiment

After June 2 - 3 weekend of back-to-back projects, June 9 - 10 traveling to Shreveport for my sister's version of Say Yes to the Dress, June 16 - 17 housecleaning marathon, I finally instituted a day of rest this past weekend. Two weeks after have the epiphany that I really need to take time off. So how did it go?

My ideal: wake up, finish the hunk of daily chores, and spend the rest of the day alternating between my three writing projects. Sitting down more would be insured by writing in longhand for one of the projects.

Reality: I lost the morning researching and writing my latest Hot Bod 2012 post. Then I realized I had to cook. Followed by alternating my daily writing and editing on the chores list with my earned fun writing. I never got a chance to work extra on Stellar or Forget. I didn't finish off all the daily chores before bedtime.

I don't feel frazzled or drained this morning, which is a success. I also realize I need to shed some to do items from Sunday if I want to continue attempting my ideal day of rest.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Bad News, Invitations, Punishments, and Insights

Now I’m at a safe place to look back at last week. The week was cruising along, had worked in an exercise routine into my schedule, needed to work in more progress on my writing and editing, two appointments one for the doctor on Thursday and with the CCFairy on Friday. I got invited to a Pampered Chef party and was considering going. So far my next paycheck forecasted a surplus that I should save for my birthday trip and emergency fund, but I could spare $20 on the microwave rice cooked that I’ve had on my wish list for a long time.

Go home Wednesday night and find out that one of my creditors wants to sue me in small claims court over the remaining balance and my inability to pay it. Okay, fine, I still don’t have the money. Also amused by the irony of the amount that is so out of my reach right now only qualifies as worthy of small claims court’s time. I’m ticked off at the marshal who handed my private papers to my parents. I have a meeting with the CCFairy on Friday and hopefully we can get this settled without undue hardship on me.

After that, the second invitation came through Facebook: a free women’s safety seminar for 6pm next Thursday. And my first thought is: “Can’t go! Can’t got ot Pampered Chef either! YOU CAN’T GO!” in the most seething, angry inner voice I have. If it could have separated from my body to beat me up, it would have. As it was, it knocked me back enough from my worries to ask “what the hell?”

The projected surplus hadn’t changed, because it won’t make a dent in what I owe to the creditor. But immediately my mindset is I’m a bad rotten person who should be locked up at home to not get in trouble with money. Brain points out that it’s not free because I would have to eat and spend gas to get to the seminar. I don’t deserve money spent on me. Come straight home and don’t do anything.

That night I went to bed thinking this was my coping mechanism to avoid temptation. I woke up Thursday to a muscle knot where the stress always goes and the idea that I’m grounding myself because I need to be punished over my bad with money. “What the hell” has now become “why do I do this to myself?”

Thursday, I got confirmation that I had maintained my current health even with going off my meds for a few months. I’m back on them and wondering if I should go back off them again. :p

Friday, CCFairy swooped in with an emergency loan to cover the other and kick the judgment off me credit report. I signed up for the credit union’s credit counseling service so I can’t make any financial moves without talking them over with the CCFairy. No arguments from me, since that was my goal at the beginning of the year. I did bring up the punishment insight and admitted I have no idea what to do with it.

I still don’t, but I’m leaning towards accepting the invitations. I double checked my next paycheck forecast and I think I can afford to go to both and not reach the point of can’t pay a bill. That’s where I am today, minus the running around I have to do to actually pay the creditor off. And my mouth is a little sore still since I got the new bridge put in Saturday.

This week: I need to stop typing up blog posts and work on my fiction. ;) I also have to squeeze in sewing time at home. Yeah, I finally feel like sewing again. :D

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Don't Know Why I want to Remember This

On the old saw that “relationships take work”:

I think of this in terms of maintenance vs. repair.

All relationships take maintenance, just like cars. For a car, you have to put gas in it, and change the oil, and wash it, and get the engine checked, and rotate the tires. If you don’t, your car will stop running, no matter how good a car it is.

For a relationship, you have to treat your partner with respect and kindness (even when you’re tired and stressed, or mad), consider their needs and wants as well as your own, pay attention to how they’re doing, speak up, respectfully, when you have a problem, and listen honestly when they do the same. You have to make time and energy for you as a couple — date nights, pursuing mutual interests. And if you pay attention to maintenance, when a serious problem does come up (and it does), you have the foundation to weather it.

On the other hand, “relationships take work” should not be used as an excuse to do the relationship equivalent of buying a 20-year-old beater with faulty brakes and no floor, and pouring all of your money and energy into trying to get it to run, because you’re never going to get a reliable car out of it.

If your partner doesn’t care about whether you are happy, doesn’t regard you with respect and doesn’t think there is a problem (or vice versa), all the work in the world isn’t going to make a healthy relationship out of the two of you. If you have to work to put up with them or enjoy their company in the early stages of the relationship, it’s unlikely to improve.

As a corollary, sometimes it’s a great car, just not one that serves your needs. If you have four kids and live in a snowy climate, you’ll regret buying that sports car, no matter how good it looked.

J. Carolyn Hax Sept. 2, 2011 Column

Read Free!
The BookWorm

The Schedule Is Not Working

The next entertainment center must have wheels. Yes, I can change the wires so the Direct TV signal goes through the VCR and I can tape it, but it became such a pain in the ass to get to the wires, I gave up and just watched the episode Monday night.

Then I don't want to wake up on time the next morning, so chores get skipped. And then no energy left to do them when I get home from work. I can't remember the last time I exercised. What also isn't working is the amount of stuff I'm bringing with me to the paying job. While I'm never bored, I am slammed with what do I do right now? indecision. The list of Big Rocks doesn't bother me, but I think I need to only pack two things (one web hour project, one writing project) for travel every night. Don't know how useful this will be since I never seem to do anything at night. I can't figure out how to squeeze it all in.

I'm still tired and it makes me feel helpless and hopeless. It's a good idea and I can make it work.

So that has been my general mood all week. I got at least six hours of sleep last night instead of five and this morning was loads better. Except for inexplicable pain in my left hand; no obvious cause or swelling but it is painful to make a fist or extend my fingers and push with it. Weird.

Doing a little bit everyday works as far as staying on top of chores. But it's not working for me with less sleep. So if I manage to get the TV components rearranged this weekend, do I still need to reconfigure the daily schedule? I was thinking of dropping things, but all the chores I need to do. :p So the answer is getting more sleep.

Another recommendation I ran across is starting off exercise with five minutes a day, then add another five minutes the next week until you reach thirty minutes a day. If I can get the chores under control, I should be able to squeeze in five minutes.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Number Crunching 125

09/13/2008 – 9/25/2008

Quicken Cash Flow = -134.41

“No shame, no blame.” This is a mantra from Your Money or Your Life, which I’m currently working through to regain my grasp on my finances. I may have to repeat it a lot during this post because I dropped the ball badly. But I can’t afford to get caught in the self-beat-up game.

Though my honest question to myself (the one that currently makes me squirm as I answer “I don’t know”) is why do I think I will hold onto the large chunk of money by ignoring it? I can trace my fall down to when I cashed my last student loan check. There has to be a reason for it, but I’m waiting for the epiphany.

Also I’m apologizing in advance for the length of this post. It’s going to be a dozy.

May – August Budget Meetings

Reconciling Quicken with Bank Statements: I have received all bank statements for these months and everything reconciled.

Reconciling last month’s budget: Well, here’s where it gets interesting, folks. I made a budget for May, so that can be done. However, I never created a budget for June, July, or August. I will forward May’s budget to the other three months to figure out what happened.

September 20 Notes: As you may have guess, I didn’t finish writing on the 13th. Power got disrupted in a thunderstorm and I didn’t have the printouts I needed. I finally got back to it on the 20th. Thunderstorm knocked out power again, and my computer battery charge lasted five seconds. Yes, it has been bugging me with updates to buy a new one and I just figured it was a pathetic sales tactic.

• Idea 1: upgrade computer backup battery.
• Idea 2: upload budget spreadsheet to Google Docs when I have to balance at work. Easier than keeping multiple files on flash drives.
• Idea 3: Edit category list in Quicken to list Late Fees for different loans.

So now I’m tryin to finish this by hand so all I have to do is type when I get electricity back or get annoyed and plug-in the generator.

I think I spent thirty minutes trying to reconcile by hand. What I have figured out is I need a Quicken report with spending broken into Categories and then listed by each payment. I’m fairly certain that payments I made to medical debts ended up under Medical in Quicken (which is fine) but that’s not how I was trying to track them on the monthly spreadsheet. *headdesk*

After two teases with electricity being restored, I went to plug in the generator. Then power was restored while I was trying to do that. I decided no tempting fate and watched a DVD and saved the math for tomorrow.

September 21 Notes: Today, I did a check through the window before starting Quicken and Excel. Nothing but blue skies, so I got started. Why was the sky completely overcast when I took a break and went to check on the laundry? I have taken to printing every fifteen minutes so I should be able to finish by hand if I need to.

Results for May: I had five unexpected sources of income in May: a sale of things at Mom’s store, selling cans for recycling, a return to a store, borrowed from Dad, and a school loan. So I was left with a positive balance at the end of May, but not due to me watching my money.

Good points: I did payoff some outstanding liabilities, so I don’t have to worry about them anymore. I am upset that I paid the mortgage and CitiFinancial late, and I earned $274 in bank charges.

Argh, and now it is raining just as hard as it did yesterday. Do I press on or try again tomorrow? I’m voting for trying again tomorrow. My brain hurts and I’d like to play a game now.

September 24 Notes: I’m certain I have dragged all necessary paperwork to the paying job to finish this in my free time. Let’s see how right I am. Another thing to remember from now on: monthly Itemized Categories reports from Quicken get the job done much faster.

Results for June: I’m good with not messing up what is deducted from the paycheck, but heath insurance went up in June. I really can’t say that I overspent anywhere else since I hadn’t budgeted anything since May. I did end up with money left over; too bad I didn’t do anything constructive with it. I added a new bill: waste disposal with a new company split with my parents.

Results for July: July’s tabulations came out a tad odd. Because of the way my credit union works, it ended up being my three paycheck month instead of August. So I had a bundle of leftover, but I’m afraid it all got spent in August. Added a new bill: newspaper subscription that my father should reimburse me for since I never get to read the paper before he does. Ever. :p

To double check in Quicken (i.e. why reconciliation is never done) big jump in Atmos in July, go back through the statements.

Results for August: And as expected, August is the mouth I ended in the red. How was that possible with a little extra thanks to the way the paychecks fell?

Crap, I need to recalculate the previous months. This is the issue I have with how transfers are totaled in Quicken reports; I forget that I already categorized that money if I knew where I spent it. Okay, got that recalculated and must remind myself for next month that the transfer balance only shows deposits and withdrawals between the Quicken accounts. Quick answer for what I pulled out of the ATM, bad answer for what I spent it on. Back to where I messed up August question.

1. I blew through nearly $600 and have no idea where it went. At the end of August, I put a correction into the Quicken Cash in Pocket account, since I stopped using the spending notebook in February. I didn’t spend it all in August but I had to balance Quicken at some point.
2. I made nearly $600 in bank charges because I wasn’t watching my money. I think I could have paid off a year in my mortgage with what I have given the banks in NSF and overdraft fees. It has to end.

I also renewed my subscription to Big Fish Games, which was probably a bad idea all around.

Creating next month’s budget: Yes, I know September is practically over, but I can’t skip it. Especially since this is a pay week and I have to get bills in line. One ray of sunshine, thanks to Gustav, I qualify for disaster food stamps and I got them. It’s a one-time thing, but at least I can put $0 in groceries and no be lying to myself.

1st Step: correct all my deductions since health insurance plan changes went into affect back in July.

2nd Step: adjust the amount of all other bills—especially the ones on automatic payments. Most advice recommends you estimate on a yearly basis. I’m going to use the average of what I have paid for the last eight months.

3rd Step: go ahead and cuss because the amounts you have to spend have ran into the negative on a zero balanced budget.

4th Step: copy everything to October, erase negative starting amount, and see the negative amount decrease, but still didn’t go away. Damn, I was really hoping it was all due to the carryover from August.

5th Step: realize this budget is already blown because I have spent money in categories with $0 already this month. *headdesk*

6th Step: see if the check stub for this week is ready to print out. It is so plug in the numbers for the deductions at least.

7th Step: cuss the powers that A) made me come to work when I didn’t have to and B) paid me overtime for it and increased all the taxes I had just gotten normal.

8th Step: take a break, copy over October to November and December spreadsheets, undo everything in September to print out a beginning budget sheet.

9th Step: realize I do have the paperwork for how much I borrowed from Dad and add it in before printing. While doing that, realize the formula is wrong and probably wrong on every sheet. Fix sheets, plan to double check at home. Still have the negative amount. Give up and print.

10th Step: move onto next step in monthly budget review after vowing to not spend any money. Also deal with September in the weekly budget review.

Home edits to spreadsheets: adjusted May—wait a minute. If my course correction was done in Quicken in August? To bring me into balance with the actual cash in I had in pocket? Argh! Is August amount on spreadsheet now wrong because of what I have in other months?

Add in May’s adjustment to Quicken and change August adjustment. Now add in the rest. Okay, so I have to adjust the August spreadsheet again but at least I don’t look as bad in one month. I was bad, but it took longer.

Before I do that, double check Atmos bills. Right amount, but they took me off budget billing. Wasn’t aware it had a time limit. So onto fixing August. If I have everything right now, the bills are paid and I have money to buy gasoline in September. Now I’m going to add in what I have already spent in September. Oh goody, I had already put in my fuel allowance, now for the bills.

Determining how much cash to withdraw for the pay periods in the next month: Recognizing that my spending is out of control in certain areas, I think I need the envelope system. I also need more income and fewer bills, but I’m tackling things as I reach them.

Plenty of people have praised the envelope system as the only way to curb irresponsible spending. I have never taken the full plunge—too afraid to actually control my impulses and cause a bigger backlash. But something has to give with my personal mess and the greater economy mess. There’s no more time to be chickenshit over finances.

First thing is to figure out what categories need to stay on the debit card or in the checking account. So I color-coded September’s spreadsheet. Categories for the envelope system:

• Household yard = 99.41 (60 months) 35.26 (8 months)
• Household: maintenance = 99.41 (60) 335.26 (8)
• Clothing = 11.93 (60) 27.44 (8)
• Grocery = 54.02 (60) 104.81 (8)
• Eating Out = 72.09 (60) 163.96 (8)
• Personal Care: Items = 7.25 (60) 44.10 (8)
• Personal Care: Workout = 3.66 (60) 9.38 (8)
• Personal Care: Vitamins = 13.05 (60) 26.09 (8)
• Personal Care: Massage = 4.67 (60) 7.50 (8)
• Gifts Given = 7.93 (60)
• Entertainment = 84.33 (60) 63.40 (8)
• Hobbies = 44.69 (60)
• Writing Expense = 7.58 (60) 15.62 (8)
• Vet = 3.51 (60) 5.89 (8)
• Donations = 0.41 (60)
• Personal Money = 58.26 (60) 115.21 (8)

Even though I don’t have the money this month (or probably next month) I will spend money in these categories. I don’t need to spend as much as I have been spending. Since I had the totals, I decided to do monthly averages based on all my spending (60 months) and what I have spent this year (8 months). Now I need to settle on what I can reduce spending in. I’m not going to quit cold turkey, which leads to me going nuts with a windfall.

Okay, stopping for another night. My desks are a mess with paperwork everywhere.

September 25 Notes: Brief pause in this while I pay my bills and get my cell phone back in service. Okay, that’s done and got email confirmation. Now to check my phone. Huzzah, I’m connected again! And since I already reduced that bill, it shouldn’t be as painful the next go around. Back on the how much cash topic.

Yesterday’s math not the exercise in futility that I thought it was in the middle of doing it. My initial thought was to reduce spending in all categories. That thought quickly followed by how that has backfired every time I’ve tried it and I end up blowing the money in the vending machines (which is a whole different but related to money issues problem).

So while fixing the spreadsheets last night, I remembered the “60% Budget Solution” article. I had despaired the last time I tried to set it up and moved to zero-based budget. But I thought it could work for the cash categories. I could make much broader categories for the envelopes, but once the percentage of money allotted is gone, it’s gone. And it wouldn’t matter if I decided to buy clothes instead of eating out or going to a movie. (I know, I know, the goal is to leave money in the envelope and toss it to the wind, but I’m trying to work around the stubborn mule inside of me who throws a spending tantrum upon hearing can’t. Oy, that’s bloody good symbolic imagery that I must explore later.)

This morning I grouped my expenses into stay-in-checking-account bills, debt payments, savings, and pay-for-with-cash. Then using the amounts I had budgeted, I calculated the percentages of my gross monthly income.

Bills = 73.71%
Debt payments = 33.19%
Savings = 1.92%
Cash = 0%
Total = 108.82%

After I stopped twitching over the overspending built into my lifestyle, I started tweaking and settled on this is what the percentages should be:

Bills = 63.39%
Debt payments = 19.69%
Savings = 1.92%
Cash = 15%
Total = 100%

Upon adding up the totals of the categories I figured out yesterday, I found this:

8 months average cash spending total = 706.95 = 27.14%
60 months average cash spending total = 572.20 = 21.97%

Since my historical spending is between 27% and 21%, reducing it to 15% is doable. Now reducing the bills and debt payments is a whole different barrel of monkey bats (If you have made it this far and recognize the quote, I will send you real cookies—not just virtual ones.)

Does any of this tell me how much I can draw out today for the next two weeks since I’m already in the budget black hole? Not entirely sure yet. My car insurance and mortgage payment are both past due, and I don’t have enough to cover them, much less my loan payment. What is left needs to stay put for gas payments and to get my brakes checked. So the answer is “no” for this pay period.

Automatic Payments:

Missed in August: Liberty Mutual
Atmos Gas – paid in September
Demco – paid in September
Missed in September: Liberty Mutual
GMAC Mortgage
CitiFinancial

And there is not enough money left in the checking account to cover them. So I have phone calls to make at lunch, and I have no idea what the verdict will be—since I won’t be able to afford a double whammy from any of them in October.

Verdict of calls:

• CitiFinancial – already moved September’s payment to the end of the loan because of Gustav. Just pay October’s bill normally. So how did the evil personal loan lenders end up being the most understanding about a hurricane?
• Liberty Mutual – taken off automatic payments and need to call in as much as I can on the past due when I get paid again on October 9th. Changed the deductibles and got $92 credit on last bill and I can change again after renewal in November.
• GMAC Mortgage – set me up with a repayment loan (probably not the proper term for it I didn’t note it) that has no grace period for the next six months. I have to make phone call payments and I think I can pay it off early, if I end up in that situation, but will have to wait on the letter to explain that again.
• Sallie Mae – cancelled online payments that I accidently signed up for. Call center guy was adamant that I didn’t need to turn in a deferment form that he couldn’t find where I had faxed it anyway. Funny, the two people who called me before Gustav hit and then right after were adamant that I had to have it and have mailed it to me twice. Need to call the phone number on the letter and find out what’s going on.

Not going to lie; the mortgage shuffling is going to be tight. Luckily, I get paid on or before the 10th all six months.

Reviewing Short-Term Saving Goals: It is time for me to get serious about getting out of debt. 33.19% of my monthly income is nothing to dismiss. I can barely meet my bills, I can’t save, and let’s not talk about groceries.

Side note but related I promise: I’m going to look for another job, part-time while I finish school and start my Internet revenue stream. Wal-Mart is currently hiring, Winn-Dixie had a sign up too, and Best Buy is opening in Hammond and will be having a job fair. Retail sucks, but desperate times….

To manage this debt nightmare, I’m going to follow Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover with a few modifications. As Cash Money Life explains, it’s “a rough guide, not an absolute road map.”

Step 0 is no more debt. Okay, no more borrowing and I’m going to get a second job to meet in the middle.

Step 1 is establish $1000 emergency fund. And here’s where I veer away, since I established way back when my STEF needed to have $2202 in. For now, I’m going to stuff it into my second credit union saving account that’s not tied to my primary checking, nor is it accessible by ATM. I might move it later and get a better interest rate once the economy stabilizes a bit more. And since today is payday, I moved half of my automatic savings to the restricted account bringing the balance to 149.96. Great, I’m already on my way! And if I’m really good with my checking account, hopefully the other half won’t get spent and I can add it too.

Update NetworthIQ statement: If nothing else didn’t hurt like a MF, this will.



Yeah, I knew that wasn’t going to be pretty.

Update NCN Savings Chart:



*Snort* Well, I totally screwed up on my goal date, didn’t I? And that’s information I can’t update. Still the money amount is right and that’s what matters.

Overview and Plans: NEVER let this get so out of control for so long. I CAN’T AFFORD IT!

Plans

• Brake check for car Saturday
• Upgrade computer battery backup
• Upload budget spreadsheet to Google Docs
• Reduce bill spending to 63.39% of gross monthly income.
• Apply to Best Buy
• Apply to Winn-Dixie
• Apply to Wal-Mart
• Finish Your Money or Your Life
• Restart weekly budget meetings
• Finish Internet project so to go live
• Use monthly Itemized Categories reports from Quicken to reconcile
• Set up a small expandable binder/folder (like for coupons) for money envelopes
• Unsubscribe from Big Fish Games
• Contact Atmos about budget billing
• Analyze the stubborn mule comment
• Call phone number on letter for my deferment form
• Organize financial binders and paperwork
• File paperwork
• Call Sonnier Chiropractic. for what Datapath needs
• Need to add PayPal and Revolution Money Exchange accounts to Quicken and October spreadsheets
• Rename Transfers between Quicken accounts to “Added to account name” instead
• Give STEF balance its own worksheet in the spreadsheet file.

My Gods, I actually finished this damn post. Eight pages long in Word. I’m already flinching to see how long it’s going to look on screen. Sorry, but I did warn you.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

Philosophical thought of the day

To be human means the inability to constantly do what is best for oneself.

Not that I can share what caused that poignant observation, but trust me when I say it's amusing in a karmic way. I don't mean to be cruel or laugh at anyone or lord over with superiority (Lord and Lady KNOWS I've been guilty of the same thing in the past), but it's still amusing to see people not stick to the one sentence that would allow them to walk away with dignity. Hence the observation and the resolve to learn from someone else's mistakes.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at: http://www.acadianafaire.org/

Best definition of procrastination I have found

So when others or myself say, “I’m lazy” what we really mean is “I find that particular task way too unappealing and would rather do something else.” And here lies the true problem of a procrastinator. Cranky Fitness: Guest Post: Lily on Procrastination

It's true, but it seems so much easier to loathe ourselves for it. I don't even pretend to understand the warped reasoning behind that, but I think I want to blame the Puritans.

Today has started off well. I switched the Friday and Wednesday chores around last night, and added cleaning the office to Thursday. Now this cleaning has nothing to do with filing or the computer, but taking all the damn piles sliding over every surface and consolidating them into neater piles at least if it's stuff I can't put away. So I now have desk surface again. Also today is the first day I got through everything on the chore list. My current theory on that is once I get the house clean, the chore list becomes more of a maintenance list and will be quicker to do.

Eventually, I will have to add Internet computer stuff to the schedule. At least a reminder to go check on Alt. BM Site and do so more yelling for more moderators. And to get the RSS feed set up correctly.

As I have downloaded music from the hard drive to the mp3 player, it is inescapable that My Music folder on the hard drive is a mess. So cleaning it out is something to do when I'm bored and have nothing else. Music should be organized in folders of the bands and album titles and I should leave the inspiration folders on the mp3 player, playlists, or a temp folder when I'm burning a CD. I think that will cut down on my duplicated files. Also discovered my ears are the wrong size for earbud headphones. They don't sit inside my ear hole and the ones that are supposed to wrap around the outside of the ear like glasses are too big for my ear lobes. I haven't had a chance to use the wrap-around-the-back-of-the-head headphones yet, and the way they feel on my head will take getting used to. I don't think I could run or walk very fast with them on; they don't feel like they are going to stay in place.

Read Free!
The BookWorm


Progress Bar from Writertopia

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at: http://www.acadianafaire.org/

Things to Think About

Crossed posted with Discipline Under Fire.

Series planning questions

Market in the mystery genre

Giving up by Holly Lisle

Don't know why, but they really hit home. Well, I do sorta know why. In that nagging, tingling, back of the head, gut response that tells you this is IMPORTANT but you don't want to face it.

Could it be that I'm facing quitting as a viable option in my life for the first time? (Not writing, so nobody panic.)

Could it be because I had one of those tiny, duh epiphanies this morning? This job you tolerate isn't going away. I don't have to face my childhood-self not knowing when Dad would have a job or a paycheck. I haven't even worked on the finances in weeks, but I think I need to go back some exercises and work on that one.

Writing as a career most often is not a financially stable one. At the same time I say that doesn't matter to me, there's a little girl inside me that knows there's no money for anything because Daddy doesn't have a job. And that kid is desperate and doing everything in her power to maintain the glory of the paycheck.

I'm not being fair, but I just figured out where the sabotage is coming from. She just wants to be safe and have things. Me trying to get serious and earn minuscule and uncertain money off writing scares her to death. Safer to keep me busy and blocked and keep writing as a hobby.

So does this make sense? Writing has never been blocked--once I find time to just write. But finishing and submitting has been a major wigout fest. I kept blaming an unknown stessor and tried easing off the demands I make on myself to no success. Well, of course not, I haven't addressed the real issue. I don't know if this post has sufficiently addressed it and more is necessary. Maybe a routine of steady reassurance will get my writing groove back.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at: http://www.acadianafaire.org/

So what's wrong with you?

Ever spent much time and energy and worry that you are the only one who feels this way and you must be seriously mentally ill to feel that way when you know it isn't true? Then find out, you're not the only one who feels that way and if the numbers are right, somebody is spiking the water supply or it's societal training.

Yeah, I got a brainwave this morning. I was reading links I had opened yesterday from Rant 42: Cut and Run on stumptuous.com women's weight training. Impostor syndrome, I think I have mentioned feeling like an impostor in some of my free-wheeling, I'm-too-fucked-up-to-be-worthy-of-life spiels. Mistress Krista's link lead to this site: Overcoming the Impostor Syndrome. I think my mouth feel open for a while.

It doesn't hit all the time--and this past month has been pretty good for not getting hit by any of it--but I'd be lying if I thought that I was cured. This site is staying on my read-a-lot list for a while.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at: http://www.acadianafaire.org/

Friday thoughts

I scare myself sometimes. Okay, a lot of times. But with all the damn fighting I've had to do to make myself write (though it goes pretty easy once I get through whatever the hell is blocking me), it's a little freaky not to have to fight at all. Except to tell myself, I'm going to get in trouble for not paying attention at work. So what's the difference?

It's fanfiction, Evil Jack: For Worse to be precise. I was only going to get the opening scene started while waiting for a response on Schedule Changes continued and before I knew it I was lost in the head-over-heels creation bit and in the third scene about to start handwritten page 9. And it's only been two days!

So first reason I can come up with is I must be putting a whole shitload of subconscious pressure on myself on the original stuff. So much that I'd rather ignore it. Not that I slack off with fanfiction because it still has to be the best story it can possibly be, but they're for my friends. If my friends don't like a story, it may hurt for a little while, but they'll like the next one I do. It's not the same as sending a story off to an EDITOR.

Yes, I do realize this is my irrationality rearing it's ugly head. Editors are just as capable of being like my friends and liking one thing I write better than another. But I won't know unless I get over the fear of selling. Moving on.

Second reason: I think it's time I admit that I am an outliner and write much happier with an outline to follow. This story and the two that follow it in the Evil Jack series have been plotted out since 2003. Not that I slavishly follow the outline if something comes up that works better, but knowing how A leads to B and eventually gets to Z takes a lot of the worry away and I focus on details and nuances. When I finally got the end half of Zy's Novel outlined, most of the worry fog over it disappated.

Third reason: I hear them in my head even when I'm distracted. Originals are taking a lot more focus--maybe a side effect of not knowing the worlds and characters as well as I should being impatient to start writing and get it done. I've started a new book Novelist's Boot Camp by Todd A. Stone and realize I may be hurting my original stories by not laying proper foundation. But then I have an equally valid concern that I will get sucked into world building and not write a story. But I'm thinking Stone covers that later in the book.

So since it is going so scary well and it's been too damn long since I could say that about my writing, I'm going to finish the first draft. I may end up sitting on it for a while before editing and beta reading but it will be out of my head and out of the way.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at: http://www.acadianafaire.org/

Dealing with Epiphanies

After a particularly nasty blow-up Sunday night, I haven't been off sulking. I've been working as the improving word counts show (though I do think I'm off on the weekly, must remember to bring back to 0 next Sunday). And I've been thinking of the best way to phrase things. That's been writing down a lot of top level thoughts as they floated through my brain and seeing where they led. Because I'm not trying to be defensive about other people's observations (no point when they're true), I'm not trying to stay stuck in bad habits, I'm not trying to justify or excuse bad habits, and I realize whatever I say will sound like all of the above. Damned, no matter what I do or say.

The biggest issue is feeling that way and brooding over it. Letting it invalidate everything I am or could be. So why do anything and the drama queen comes out full-force. Ugh, I am so tired of feeding here, which leads me to try this full disclosure route. Then maybe it will be possible to see that I'm "hanging on in quiet desperation" over a foot-high drop. (The Pink Floyd quoting was intentional.)

Not only is it an epiphany on finally getting fed up with my own head space, I started consulting the Tarot cards. I respect the cards more as a clarification tool than divination. First stop was Googling to see if there was free online Tarot readings. I found http://www.facade.com/tarot/ and found new pretty decks and new spreads. (Not brave enough to try the Lovecraft themed one. First problem, the theme. Second problem, bought a LoTR themed desk and loved the divisions of the book plot and characters into the Major and Minor Arcana. HATE the artwork. Made Eowyn a bimbo and put shoes on the hobbits. But digressing...)

The first spread I tried out was Shadow Truth, good at providing insight into your attitudes and hidden feelings. The card in the what you cannot confront space was the Emperor: "Worldly authority. Professional success. Social power." Now why those things scare me to the point I'd rather quit writing than face them, that still hasn't been answered. The fact I recognized the fear in myself took the card answers in a different direction.

By the time I got home Monday and laid out my decks, my focus had changed to how-the-hell-do-I-get-out-of-this-mess. So it made more sense that Death was in the where you are now slot and forces against you was the Chariot. The desires category is a good summation why:
Death: Feel you can't go on with status quo and want things to change radically.
Chariot: You don't know what you should do or where you are going and are afraid of losing control. You want to force a resolution, but don't know how.
The overall spread was very hopeful. It will all turn out okay; if you don't give up, change your reaction to events, and be self-confident, self-reliant, and continue to direct your energy to your work.

Hence the week long concentration on work, which was enabled by the drama queen getting the stuffing knocked out of her.

Now that we've covered the Tarot again proves scary accurate topic, let's move onto other thoughts.

Believe in myself. - Somewhen along the way, I lost faith in me. Without examining too closely, I think I've been stuck in the "You Suck" Scripts off and on for the better part of the past year. And the off time spent avoiding anything that would trigger it.

Good news appears to be, realizing this has not triggered any guilty reflexes nor drama queen histrionics.

Good at visualization and stuck in "you suck" scripts = creating worse case scenarios? - I think this is pretty damn likely. Which leads to the next thing I need to always remember:

Life isn't rotten, I'm not rotten; the situation is the only thing rotten and it will get better.

I've tried the stay-at-home, do-nothing-but-write, and I wasn't happy. - I believe there is a balance between being a recluse and being too busy to work. I also know I'm really bad at finding it. Scheduling does help, but only if I schedule sanely.

Don't yell at me for following the schedule. - It's not a perfect schedule and I can't always put fiction first, but right now I'm putting a lot of thought into it and trying hard to stick to it. Yelling at me that I should be doing something else only makes me go: "what's the point." And that soon leads to me trying to do everything I have to do in one day 15 minutes each project in a rotation. That only works with housework.

Alt. BM Site is a karmic debt. - I don't expect anyone to understand why I feel indebted to a fictional universe but I'm paying it forward. It won't last forever. Realize it seems like forever and it's only driving me crazy because when am I online? Weekends. When am I scheduled to work on it? Weekends. And who has been working on it for hours and is frustrated beyond belief by the time everyone gets on to talk to her on the weekend? Me! It's not a fair representation of the rest of my life is all I'm saying. And with a little patience and a whole lot of luck, I'll be done with the update soon and can ignore it for another year.

And I need more sleep at night. - Well, that's a given and an almost constant state.

And that's it. Tune in next time for my thoughts on Doctor Who

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at: http://www.acadianafaire.org/

Weekend plans

Catch up on homework for online class.
Catch up on chores.
Buy flea medicine for Mustard.
Take Dad to belated Father's Day movie.
WRITE!
Finish Alt. BM Site updates.
Finish scanning the box on my desk. The stack is probably 3-inches high, but Reader's Digest articles take up a lot of scanning for something that small. (Okay, now that sounded completely random.)
Write in study carrel.
Go swimming.

I'm thinking of combining the last two. Swimming as a reward for output. They are limited to Sunday. Library is open 2pm to 10pm and pool is open 4pm to 9:30pm. So I should be able to overlap the two and not be up so late.

Feel numb and drained. Haven't decided if it's in a good way or bad way yet. It's not depression because otherwise I would feel like doing anything, and feel confident that I will get something off my list this weekend. Even if it's nothing but homework and the movie. LOL

Part of it is that now I have a new observation (not originating from me this time) to go along with my writing now. I have no desire to copy my personal family dynamics in fiction. I don't want to be published and have the Extendeds try to claim any character as themselves. And maybe it would be catheric to get it all out. "It would hurt like hell. What does it matter if it makes a good book?" But it wars with me. I don't want pain, and my raising has been too much of turn the other cheek. Ignore the problems and avoid the people as much as possible. To knowingly go to the past to recreate it on paper; am I giving it more power or less? That's different than mining experience and feelings.

Besides, ultimately, in the grand scheme of obsteclues people have overcome, it's only family drama to me because it's mine. I was never beaten almost to death, never sexual abused, and my parents did a good job shielding us from the worse of their families when we were vulnerable. Now that I am an adult, most of the time it feels like "my life is separate, they have a connection, but they have no power over me." If I can manage that position for 3 weeks out of the month, am I healthy? (The fourth week has other issues, which gives lives to all the issues, and I never know what my position is then.)

And I have used family dynamics that I want to share. I mined my sister's and mine sibling jealousy and competiveness with my great-grandmother talking sense into us, but nobody wants to publish a one-act play.

:P I was going to talk about the second observation, right? All my heroines are distant and sarcastic and shove their loved ones away.

Zy and Cynthia, and to a certain extent, Tala were all born/shaped during a time when that was my mode of defense. There is no cutting it from them now; it is part of who they are.

Storm-blown Kate: I don't see it. But that universe needs a lot more world and character building, which is why it's set aside for now.

Allie: is a tough nut. She has the inner banshee, but she can unplug it (which is something I have never been able to do with my own). She doesn't unleash it on Mike. She never turns the rage at Mike. Okay, how the hell does a fictional baby figure out how to do what the creator mommy can't?

Peggy and Peg in Strix: again I don't see the sarcasm or the pushing away. But they are still very nebulous.

Okay I think that's currently everyone in my head. I don't know what to do with it. Though I think I should stop making everyone orphans. Any way I have to get to the vet's before they close.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at: http://www.acadianafaire.org/

My epiphanies are never lightening bolts

I wish they were. You see the problem with "well duh" epiphanies is that I forget them and fall back into the habits that led to needing an epiphany in the first place.

For example, my first epiphany for today: my blog is my writing practice. I'm rereading Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, and feeling a little defeated that I can't manage the simple writing practice everyday in a notebook. I'm getting dressed and a quiet voice says "You write your blog just about every day."

Which is true, even when I don't get to type them, I'm writing almost everyday. It's not the free form craziness that Goldberg recommends and that's probably why I had trouble making the connection.

Now pushing myself from complacency with writing practice to diving into writing with a purpose is a different problem.

Second epiphany: I don't write family dynamics. As I was pondering the status of epiphanies that led to this post, what I wrote yesterday came to mind. I was exploring how family influnced my perfectionism streak (I will be typing it up; it had good points in it) when I realized it was reflected in my fiction. My protagonists are orphans or estranged from blood kin. If they have a family, it is one they created with a bond beyond mere genetics. If there is blood kin of non-estranged type, it's siblings. I realized the only exception to this was in the Legend of Zelda fanfics. There's probably more to mine here, but I feel it goes better with the other post.

Third epiphany: My parents were not abusive, so where did my sister and I get our shared self-esteem issues? I guess the epiphany is more that we share them. The third kid got all the social abilities that skipped me and the middle kid, and I have never noticed her have these problems. But Kai feels she was an ugly baby who eventually got better and since puberty I changed from an adorable child to a hideous fat blob with boobs. I felt that was in high school; I feel that way now.

I think a lot of it stems from high school. Sure I had boobs but I also had brains and glasses, and the cute boys I crushed on dated the stick-thin cheerleaders with none of the above (though I am doing them a disservice--most of them were in the top ten percent of our class). Dating-wise things didn't get better in college.

Chad puts up with a lot of shit from me over these issues. Because it cuts me hard when he calls me "cute." With size D knockers since the onset of puberty, I deserve to be stunning, sultry, femme fatale, Jessica Rabbit with the slit to the clevage. But my face, my stature, and my personality only add up to cute. How the hell do you equate cute with sexy?

Fourth epiphany: My gender has been assaulted. This particular epiphany is about a month old. I was reading through a feminist blog entry and all the comments it generated thinking how lucky I had been to have never experienced any of that harrassment. Then a memory clicked into place and I realized I had been. Just once, groped and made to feel like a puny small thing until I kicked out. Literally, I was grabbed up by a guy twice my size and where do you think his arms stopped? I didn't do any permanent damage and he put me down real quick and the other boys didn't grab me. And I had always put a size ratio to it. I wasn't going to let some guy twice my size toss me around. The gender fears never entered my head, even though I spent the rest of the party in view of the adults.

I seem to spend a lot of my memories like that, thinking one thing and never realizing the bigger picture. I always thought my great-grandfather had a "shaking disease"--that must have been how it was first described to me and it is what I observed. Mom tells me last week he had Parkinson's and then acted like I should have known all along.

Fifth epiphany: My ego (Freud not Vinnie) needs to get out of the way. The source of my perfectionism streak that blocks me to protect me and all the other armor quirks I have. I'm so deeply flawed but it can't let any of that out.

Yeah, I got to get through, over, around, or under that.

Read Free!
The BookWorm

There is a new renaissance festival in Louisiana! Check out the Acadiana Medieval Faire at: http://www.acadianafaire.org/